New Super Food
Epipremnum wonderissii
parkdalensis
Common Name:
Holysmoke Vine
Recently Parkdale horticulturalists have come across a
strange plant in the lanes and backyards along Queen Street West. The plant, a clinging
ground vine, has been identified as a previously
unidentified hardy variety of Epipremnum or the pothos vine so common in interior
landscapes. The Parkdale Liberation Front department of Homeopathy, recently relocated
from the patio of The Rhino to the back of The Cadillac Lounge after an unfortunate
incident involving a dispute between the bar manager and Subcommander Annie,
has been investigating this promising vine.
Holysmoke Vine
contains most of the vitamins you need every day, just one serving of Holysmoke
Vine contains Vitamin B15, Vitamin B21, Vitamin B305, Vitamin B57, Vitamin B66,
Frolicing Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnum 4s, Bosporus, Potassium and
Cement, not to mention genetically encoded messages of salvation from the King
James Bible.
No time for a
nap in the afternoon? Holysmoke Vine is an
excellent source of naturally occurring amphetamines as well as genetically
encoded pictures Pamela Anderson as Ophelia in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Simply
chew on the vine as you would a leaf of a coca plant.
Men, doesn’t it
bother you when your bathroom mirror fogs up every time you let off a beer
fart? Try a puree of Holysmoke Vine and shredded leather. Spray on and wipe
clean. Not only will your mirror sparkle but your bathroom will boast an
additional manly scent.
Are grubs and
slugs ruining your planting beds? Wrap Holysmoke Vine around a cocktail onion and
place in a Royal Chinette dish. The schedule B subprime chemicals in the
Holysmoke Vine react with the paper to give off a scent undetectable to humans
but drive garden pests crazy and cause them to emigrate to Etobicoke. If you
live in Etobicoke, home of Rob Ford, obese Mayor of Toronto with a marginal
grasp of reality, sorry, you are SOL.
Looking for a
fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try
rubbing a leaf or two of Holysmoke Vine along your problem area for a few
minutes, the phytochemicals in the vine cause the collagen in your skin to
tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite.
Works great on stucco.
Want to avoid a
hangover? Holysmoke Vine doesn’t work for boozers. Be a role model for your
kids and switch to a recreational drug.
Stuck in space,
somewhere between Venus and the Ophra Quadrant, Clingons hard on your ass, the
dylithium crystals exhausted? Pas de
problem mon Capitan Jean-Luc . .
. .
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