Recently TVFP reported that the ever aromatic Mary Dowser
had died. Reports surfaced that she was abducted in an engineless cardboard
sedan during a Luis Bunel movie shoot in Kiev during the Euro 2012 Futbol
tournament. Later the cardboard car was reported to have surfaced in
California. We have new information:
Our sources in Kiev, Ukraine, a real sinkhole of a country,
report that the engineless cardboard sedan was yellow. The name of the Luis
Bunel film was Lost and Found in an Effortless Beam of Post-Modern Light. Senor
Bunel wrote the script in conjunction with the notorious masterbater Salvador Dali. That’s all we know on
the Ukraine front except that it is a real sinkhole of a place, worse than
Florida.
On the Clara Kappelhoff front Ms. Kappelhoff reported to police
that a yellow cardboard sedan was spotted in a field of horses and appeared to
be competing with the equines for grazing space. Ms. Kappelhoff was apparently
alcohol and drug free at the time of the sighting, just after dawn on a recent Sunday
or maybe it was Monday morning. She wasn't sure.
That brings us up to date. Unfortunately we have not
discovered the whereabouts of Ms. Dowser's remains, which leads us to believe she
was tossed into an arborist's tree branch shredder machine and disposed of in an land fill site in
England. Somewhere around Reading.
Martin Frobisher has written to us from Baffin Island: dear
TVFP, I know something about looking for things. If I was looking for Mary
Dowser I’d look in Reading. Sooner or later everything shows up in Reading.
Television for instance, that showed up in Reading, as did the Internet. My
guess is that if she’s riding around in a yellow cardboard sedan, she’s headed
for Reading.
Other readers of TVFP have written in to us on the fate of effervescently
fragrant Mary Dowser:
Queen Victoria writes: How does one know that the woman is
dead? There is no evidence. If she is
dead she’d smell rather foul, one thinks. Perhaps you need to hire a dog.
William Lyon Mackenzie writes: You stupid German cow. There
is no known occurrence of anyone in our galaxy surviving a kidnapping in a
cardboard sedan. There is even less evidence to support survival after a yellow
cardboard sedan kidnapping, that is to say less than zero. In German that is uber
zilch. Of course she’d dead and by foul means and that is what stinks, mum.
Susanna Moodie writes: where is Reading?
Eric the Red writes: Sveeden.
Louis XIV, the Sun King writes: L'anglais putain sont une
douleur dans le cul ne fait aucun doute à ce sujet.
Brian Boru writes: Is iad na Béarla rás dÚsachtach, níos
measa ná Gearmánaigh fucking.
Betty Crocker writes: Does anyone know the national dish of
Sveeden?
St. Augustine of Hippo writes: Ingrid Bergman, but I've never met her. There was an age difference.
*
Recently Ronald Reagan was asked to comment on ‘Heart Simple’,
the heart rending, uplifting story by
Jim Read. Mr. Read's story was influenced by the Gustave Flaubert piece, Un Cœur Simple.
Simple in Mr. Read’s usage also a refers to homeopathic medicine, in
this case the ancient and undying remedy of love. President Reagan observed:
well friends the story was written by a guy from the point of view of a gal.
But what a gal!
