Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Queen's Christmas Message

As you may or may not know I have been dead for some time. Rather a long time in some respects, however from the perspective of infinity I have voyaged barely a heart beat from mortality. Heaven is rather nice.The company, with a few notable exceptions, is very white and bland, exactly the sort of people one would want to populate a place like this. The cucumber sandwiches are exquisite.

However, there are some oddities, some of whom I rather like. Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt, a dear girl, with the most amazing dark eyes. There is this bald gnomish looking fellow Levesque hanging about the garden with a cigarette constantly burning at his mouth. He speaks French with the most dreadful accent. It sounds rather like he is chopping meat. He's rather clever and insouciant for a peasant.

Nevertheless, I am convinced there is a side door entrance to heaven, or perhaps these people get in through the coal chute.

Now, I want to speak primarily to the Empire, or what was the Empire and is now known as The Commonwealth. I rather think there are too many of you and I think you should do something about that. I address this specifically to my coloured subjects. Starvation, civil wars and this AIDs business do not appear to be doing the job. My wish is that you immediately institute a program of mass sterilization of females as, it seems, most of you would rather fornicate than go to church.

Now, I want you to pay attention. There is no email in heaven, nor is there a postal system. Prayers do not always work and when they do come through they are invariably of a frivolous nature. It is not my job to help you. I cannot cure your child of cancer. Have another child. I cannot extricate you from bankruptcy. Try St. Jude. Do not pester me with unanswerable questions such as, what is the meaning of life. Only a fool asks a question like that.

Goodbye until next year. Merry Christmas and may God be with you.

Victoria Regina

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Parkdale Liberation Front on Kyoto: The I Am A Joke Page

News Update: The Federal Government has announced Canada will bail on the Kyoto Agreement. The Government contends that the Kyoto is deeply flawed as it does not require emerging countries to do their fair share. 

New Feature

The I am a Joke Page

A certain politician walks into a bar and orders a beer. He looks over his shoulder and sees a billion Africans, most of whom are starving, many of whom are woman, often cradling babies with distended bellies.

A certain politician walks into a bar and orders a beer. He looks over his shoulder and sees a billion and a half Chinese, a billion Indians, half a billion SE Asians, two hundred million Pakistanis, eighty million Turks, all lined up outside their slums at the entrance to the Temple of  Western Greed.

A certain politician walks into a bar and orders a beer. He looks over his shoulder and sees that the snow on the Alps, the Rockies, Urals, the Andes have all melted, the water washed into the sea and the lands in the shadow of the great mountains reduced to desert. He sees the world wide mass of starving humanity on the move.

A certain politician walks into a bar and orders a beer. Instead of looking over his shoulder he looks at his reflection the mirror. He says to the mirror, I was just a shill for these guys. Mickey Mouse taps him on the arm and says to him, I know how you feel.

Peter Kent on climate change  (about 40 seconds.)

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Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Great White Mother Talks to Her Children

My dear children we have recently had tea with this Gitchee Manitou chap and he has been telling us all about these difficulties you have been having at somewhere called Attawapiskat. First of all we don't care for the name. We think, as a first order of business, that you need to come up with a new name for this place, something people can actually say with without sounding like their mouths are full of marbles. This habit of using unpronounceable Indian names just won't do. We suggest a name that promotes a positive attitude. Our suggestion is that you call it something light and friendly, like Happyville.

Now in that vein and moving forward there is nothing like a positive attitude to win the day over. Nothing beats a positive attitude.You can't go moping around, whining and complaining. People don't like to hear that sort of thing. It is much better to be bright and cheerful. A pleasant countenance will win you many more friends than a sullen frown, of that you can be well assured.

As you know from our previous Post drinking a little bit of your own urine every morning is the secret to a healthy complexion and a long life. We can't stress enough the efficacy of this practice. If you have trouble urinating in the morning it is quite alright to substitute the urine of a close relative or neighbour providing they are not Irish or Papists or both, as are most of those filthy sods.

Finally, my dear children, though things may look dark, remember every cloud has a silver lining. You should also thank the Lord your God that you are indeed not Irish, or at least so I am given to understand. There is no lower race on this earth than the Irish. Every man woman and child of them is a drunkard, a thief, a liar, and an idolater. They breed like rabbits. Kill one and before you can say Bob's your Uncle, three more pop up. Most disturbingly, they are unhygienic in the extreme. In short the Irish are a vile affront to all that is good and civilized.

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Pic courtesy of Wiki Commons.