Sunday, February 24, 2013

TVFP: New Apps for the New Age

1.              Mondo Cats:  lovingly shot pics of adorable cats, domestic and feral, eating their offspring and killing endangered songbirds.

2.              Extreme Epicure: beautifully rendered shots of master chefs preparing delectable dishes of dog, cat and monkey meat.

3.              Banker’s Delight: this travel app follows disposed families as they pack up their belongings in the Ford Escort and head down the road to East of Eden. Complete with interactive maps and historical anecdotes.

4.              For the worldly aficionado we have German Schiesse Porn, the certified organic version. Now available in HD.

5.              High on America: high definition videos of born again Christian children of both sexes shooting Mediterranean fish in a barrel with twelve gauge shotguns. It’s cute. They wear bibs. No level of difficulty. This one is for the tots in the family.

6.              India for Men: a gaming app that allows you to rape young girls, kill them and then throw them down a well. Eleven levels of difficulty.

7.              The Village of Small Huts: another gaming app that let’s you bet on which Native child will blow up first from sniffing gasoline. You hold the barbecue lighter. Awesome graphics. Four stars.

8.              African Safari Plus: this app lets you manoeuvre a bulldozer. This time sensitive app challenges the user to fill up the mass graves of victims of genocide, internecine wars, starvation and capitalism before the United Nations security force arrives to secure the perimeter and dole out humanitarian aid. Great fun for the whole family.
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Sunday, February 17, 2013

Pope Benedict Resigns: The PLF handicaps potential replacements

With the sudden and shocking resignation of the latest in a long line of Christian champions of genocide, paedophilia and misogyny the Church has an opportunity to begin the long and tortuous process of the self criticism and healing. The Department of Religious Affairs and Other Weird Stuff of The Parkdale Liberation Front as put together a short list of possible replacements for the old fart:

1.              The Littlest Hobo: we readily admit that choosing another German for the papacy is a long shot. However he is a shepherd and every flock needs an alert and courageous protector otherwise you get eaten by the wolves, unless of course you are already running with the wolves and then it’s sort of a culling process, you to the left, you to the right. However the Littlest Hobo has some serious credentials when it comes to saving people and ferreting out evil doers of which we are sure are plentiful in supply within the walls of the Vatican. Still a long shot.


2.              Frodo Baggins: this stout of heart hobbit took on Sauron the Dark Lord in a fight to the death of good vs. evil. Despite having hairy feet this little fella might just have the moxie needed to clean up centuries of papal self entitlement and abuse. Even money.

3.              Marg Delahunty, Princess Warrior: admittedly a woman as pope strains credibility when you consider that the papacy is a woman hating institution that has yet to emerge from the Dark Ages. We admire the Princess’s irreverent sense of humour. We believe that an institution that finds its jollies by burning people alive at the stake might find Marg just the breath of fresh oxygen it needs. Of course we need to be reminded that in the Middle Ages one of their Popes was a woman and when they found out she was tied to a horse’s tail and dragged through the streets and stoned until she was dead. Marg we think is a long, long shot.

This Hour Has 22 Minutes

4.              Finally there is everyone’s favourite giant, The Friendly Giant, currently retired. The thing is being a giant he’d have plenty of weight to throw around when it came to reigning in the trolls and neandrathals who currently run the church bureaucracy. As well there are the various cabals within the church who along with the Queen of England are intent on world domination. However The Friendly Giant isn't without allies. Rusty the chicken and Jerome the giraffe would pretty soon put things in order along the sin encrusted walls of the Vatican. A Five to One Favourite of ours.

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Sunday, February 10, 2013

The Parkdale Liberation Front Uncovers Secret Espionage Activity in Parkdale

Sub-Lt. Jeffrey Delisle of the Royal Canadian Navy was sentenced on January 10th to twenty years in the hoosegow and a fine of $111,000 CDN for passing naval secrets to the Rooskies. The PLF has recently completed its own investigation into secret espionage activity in the Village of Parkdale.

During our investigation the PLF secret investigative team of Assistant Commander Ron and Patti, a waitress at a local Parkdale establishment were able to capture a top secret conversation between a high official in the Chinese Ministry of State Security (MSS) and an important operative of the Russian Intelligence Directorate (GRU).

We are pleased to be able to provide a transcript of this shocking conversation to the Canadian people.

MSS         Victor, nice to see you, huh.

GRU         You too, Lee.

MSS         So you buying Canadian now.

GRU         We shop the world as befitting the importance of our nation’s 
                  international stature.

MSS         You buy from us, huh.

GRU         Only from approved sources.

MSS         I approve all your sources. Give you good deal, huh? It’s okay I see you
                 blushing. You get any good stuff from Sub-Lieutenant?

GRU         Let’s just say that the transactions with the naval officer were most beneficial.

MSS         How much you pay?

GRU         I think we paid fair market value.

MSS         You think so. You buy from me I give you discount. You boss think you

GRU         Why would I buy Canadian goods from China?

MSS         Listen Victor, inside Oval Office there a little string. President Obama pull
                 little string Prime Minister Harper jump up say, woof, woof. Okay.

GRU         I think it’s fair to say that Washington has a great deal of influence in Ottawa.

MSS         He pull another string Harper roll over play dead.

GRU         Perhaps an exaggeration.

MSS         Okay no exaggeration who own Canada?

GRU         Certainly the US is Canada’s largest trading partner.

MSS         Okay next question, who own the US?

GRU         What’s your point, Lee?

MSS         Everybody know China own US, so US own Canada, next time you in market for
                 information you come to me I give you good deal, top notch stuff.

GRU         Really?

MSS         Is all about Arctic resources Victor. They ours, huh. You wait and see.

GRU         I don’t think so.

MSS         Confucius say: A man only as faithful as his appetites. You want another latte?