Sunday, January 15, 2012


Reverend Rick the Anglican Rebel

And so the Reverend Rick, yo, yo, yo, hath this to sayeth unto thee from out of his mouth. If thou hath ears,  listen:

Jesus said: I am the reflection of the emptiness that is the root of all things. Split a piece of wood and I am there. Lift up the stone and you will find me there.1
Now brothers and sisters, before it’s too late, think about your options.

On the one hand you have Satan who wants to be your friend. On the other hand you have Our Lord Jesus Christ who wants to be your saviour.

Let’s say you choose Satan. Satan wants to be your friend. At least he says he does. He even sounds like a friend, maybe your best friend. 
He agrees with everything you do. He concurs with everything you say. His advice sounds just like the advice you’d give yourself.
His dreams are just like your dreams. He feels just what you feel. Who could want a better friend?
Want to clear cut that forest, or dig that open pit mine, well Satan’s got ten reasons why you should and by the time he’s done you’ll feel pretty good about environmental degradation and genocide.
You want to shovel another million tonnes of CO2  into the atmosphere Satan is there to pat you on the back.
What a pal you have in Satan! What a good friend! 
Now say you choose Jesus. Well I say to you now you’re in for some trouble. You see Jesus doesn’t want to be your friend. Jesus doesn’t need friends.
Some of you have hundreds maybe thousands of friends on Facebook. Jesus isn’t on Facebook, or Twitter. Jesus doesn’t own a Blackberry, or an I-Phone.
You get up in the morning and you say I am going to clear cut that forest, or I am going displace those irritating poor people and pollute their rivers and land with an open pit mine. Don’t expect Jesus to hand you the chain saw. Don’t expect Jesus to put on a hard hat.
You want to juice up the C02 level in the atmosphere don’t expect Jesus to hand you the Cuisinart.
Jesus is not your friend. But he might just be your savior.
It’s up to you to choose. If you choose Jesus and the Kingdom of God you might just salvage your decency and the lives of your grandchildren.
If you choose the Kingdom of Satan well then you will surely save yourself and just as surely destroy your grandchildren.
Before it’s too late think about your options.

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1. Jesus’s quote is hybridized from the Gospel of Thomas adapted by Elaine Pagels from the Marvin Mayer translation. From Beyond Belief, by Elaine Pagels.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Ask a Twelve Year Old

TVFP, always on the lookout for new sources of wisdom, has been inspired by Porn Actress Samantha Ardente. She was reported in the Toronto Star as saying she only went ahead with her plan to start her own Adult film company after receiving the approval of her twelve year old daughter.

We know proudly present a new online help desk featuring our twelve year old niece Claudia entitled:

Ask A Twelve Year Old

Dear Claudia:  Recently I found my wife in bed with our neighbour’s German Sheppard. What should I do? AJ in Ajax

Dear AJ in Ajax;  It’s not unusual to sleep with dogs. My Mom and Dad often let Scamp our Cocker Spaniel sneak up into the bed. The only problem as I can see is that you get a lot of dog hairs if you’re not careful.

Dear Claudia: Recently we were camping with our children and I saw a woman up to her waist in the water. She was cradling a baby. I looked away and when I looked back the woman was coming out of the water, but the baby was nowhere to be seen. What should I do? Sally in the Soo

Dear Sally in the Soo: I go camping at the lake with my parents and brothers every summer. My little brothers sometimes try to gang up on me and try and dunk me in the water, but it doesn’t matter because we’re all having so much fun. Vacations are all about fun and you should try and have as much as you can.

Dear Claudia: We live downstream from an open pit mine. This fish are dying and my husband and children are sick all the time. According to officials the mine meets acceptable environmental standards. Ally in Alberta

Dear Ally: My Mom swears by ginseng. She buys raw ginseng in Chinatown. It comes in little beige slivers. Whenever we start to get sick she takes a teaspoon of the ginseng and steeps it in water. Then she adds a little sugar and lemon. We hardly ever get sick and Mom says the ginseng is a fraction of the cost of Cold FX which she says is just ginseng tarted up. Mom is English and so she says things like tarted up and bees knees, luv and of course never misses the Queen’s Christmas Message.


Sunday, January 1, 2012

MrUn Intergalactic Lifestyle Correspondent

TVFP continues to expand its coverage of local, national and world events. Now we are able to offer you the perspective of an intergalactic raconteur. We would like to welcome Mr. Unpronounceable Name from the Planet Unpronounceable Name as our new Intergalactic Lifestyle correspondent.

Mr Un currently resides in a distant quadrant which may or may not be the French Quarter of New Orleans. He is a frequent visitor to habitable planets in our little neck of the universe. He is ET at large for the Unpronounceable Name News Service, the UNS. He contributes travel, food and lifestyle columns. He is in earth terms about three thousand years old. He is humanoid in form, about six centimetres in height, white as Wonder Bread with black hair and black eyes.

TVFP posed several questions to our new and esteemed contributor:

TVFP:           Best restaurant in Parkdale?

MrUn:           Bacchus without a doubt. The vegetarian roti is heavenly.

TVFP:           Heavenly, what does that mean to you?

MrUn:           Nothing really. I pick up the lingo.

TVFP:           Meaning there is no God.

MrUn:            No, not in this universe.

TVFP:            Are you saying there is another reality where there is a God and a Heaven?

MrUn:            Sort of. I’m saying all your SciFi writers have pretty much got it right. You know
                      warp drive, folding space, weird looking creatures, phasers on stun, it’s all out

TVFP             How do you get around?

MrUn             My slingshot.

TVFP             Seriously.

MrUn             Yes.

TVFP:            What do you do to relax?

MrUn:             I call it Cockroach Safari. I hang out in Chinatown or a similar place. I get a needle, crawl 
                       through a mouse hole and you know, hunt cockroaches. Me against them. Keeps me
                       young. Protein is nice too, a little soy sauce.

TVFP:             Do you have any advice for aspiring lifestyle writers.

MrUn             Yes. Editors are the scum of the universe. Believe in yourself and do your
                       Homework. For instance Truffade*.

TVFP             We’ve never heard of it.

MrUn             It’s the original poutine. The recipe is from Auvergne region of France. That is an
                      an area on the Lot River between Lyon and Toulouse. I reproduce it here for four.

1 kg potatoes
30 g unsalted butter
3 tbs oil
large pinch of salt
freshly ground pepper
150g Tomme fraiche de Cantal cheese, cut into thin slices
150g young Cantal cheese, cut into thin slices
2tbs parsely, finely chopped for garnish
3 large cloves of garlic

                      And basically you dice the taters, fry them and add the cheese. Just be careful not
                      to burn the garlic. Voila.

TVFP             Do you have any insights on the future of the earth?

MrUn            Yes. Humanity will survive, located in mostly in cool regions such as northern Canada and
                      Scandinavia. The outlook isn’t pretty, as you can imagine. But there it is. Nothing do be
                      done, except of course to manage, as best you can, the rather vicious but unavoidable
                      business of downsizing from around 14 billion to say a 100 million give or take.

TVFP             Is there truly nothing to be done?

MrUn             Other worlds have managed it using technology and cooperation, but really I don't think
                       that's in the cards for Earth. Do you?

TVFP            We like to think there's hope.

MrUn             Ah, well, you could put up an awning. It's been done but you would still have to reduce,
                      almost immediately, greenhouse emissions to pre-19th century levels.

TVFP            Will you be covering our demise?

MrUn            I think not. It’s rather a common occurrence around the various universes. There are a lot of
                      tribal carnivores out there.

TVFP            No hope, then?

MrUn            Well you will still exist as a species. Two hundred two hundred and fifty thousand
                      years down the road the CO2 levels get back to pre-industrial revolution levels
                      humanity may stage a comeback. You have to admit, that’s not bad.

Please visit my website:

for links to sample and  purchase my short stories on line.

* The Truffade recipe from Mourjou, The Life and Food of an Auvergne Village, by Peter Graham.