Sunday, December 30, 2012

An American Talks About Guns



 

I was a boy when old Shep got sick and my Daddy said well son I’ve got to take old Shep out back and shoot him. My Daddy said, I don’t like to see an animal suffer. I said, Daddy, Shep was my dog and I’ll take him out back. I called for Shep. His ears perked up and I know dogs can’t smile but he sure seemed happy to hear his name. Come on Shep let’s go for a walk, I called. Well, old Shep was a little slow getting up but he was wagging his tail.

We went up through the field to a place that I thought he’d like. I had to carry him that last few yards and then I put him down on the hill. It looked out over the fields where there were the gophers and rabbits that he liked to chase. The sun was going down on the stream that he liked to splash around in when we were out on a hike. I thought this would be a good place.

Shep sat and looked out at the vista of his new life across the stream, his river Jordan I guess you could say. I had my single shot twenty-two that had been my Daddy’s and his Daddy’s before him. I said, old Shep you have been a good dog, the best dog and friend I could ever want. I know you won’t mind what I have to do. I put my arms around him and gave him one last hug. I love you, Shep, I said. I loaded up the gun and put the muzzle to his ear. He didn’t suspect a thing. He was whimpering a little with the pain in his haunches and he was panting.

I pulled the trigger and he jumped a little and went over on his side. To my surprise I old Shep didn’t die. His eyes were still open and he was still panting. I just had the one bullet and it was a mile back to the house. But I had brought the shovel and so I reared back and smashed the shovel down on old Shep’s head. I hit him again and then I was sure he was dead.

I always remembered that and so when my son came to me and said, old Shep II was feeling poorly and he won’t get up I said, son well I guess it’s his time. We took old Shep II up to the hill where his forerunners were buried. My son carried his Bushmaster AR-15 assault rifle with a thirty round clip. He set the fire selector and put the muzzle to the dog’s ear. Goodbye old Shep II we loved you deeply. This time there was no need of a shovel except to dig the grave on the hill where to this day our beloved companions lie in  peace.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Celebrating the Birth of Christ




 
The Birth of Christ

The Nag Hammadi Library: excerpt from the Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicitas: Carthage circa 203 CE



As for Felicitas, she too enjoyed the Lord's favour in this wise. She had been pregnant when she was arrested, and was now in her eighth month. As the day of the spectacle drew near she was very distressed that her martyrdom would be postponed because of her pregnancy; for it is against the law for women with child to be executed. Thus she might have to shed her holy, innocent blood afterwards along with others who were common criminals. Her comrades in martyrdom were also saddened; for they were afraid that they would have to leave behind so fine a companion to travel alone on the same road to hope. And so, two days before the contest, they poured forth a prayer to the Lord in one torrent of common grief. And immediately after their prayer the birth pains came upon her. She suffered a good deal in her labour because of the natural difficulty of an eight months' delivery.

 

PD-Art:original painting circa 900CE



Sunday, December 16, 2012

TVFP: Ask A Twelve Year Old



TVFP, always on the lookout for new channels of wisdom, has been inspired by Porn Star Samantha Ardente, who was reported in the Toronto Star as saying she only went ahead with her plan to start her own Adult film company after receiving the approval of her twelve year old daughter.

Once again we proudly present a the latest installment of an online help desk featuring our twelve year old niece Bibi. By the way Bibi’s grown up a bit since her last post:

 

Dear Bibi: I’m worried about this fiscal cliff everybody is talking about. What should I do? Marnie in Minnesota

Dear Marnie in Minnesota: fiscal cliffs can be dangerous and there should always be warning signs posted. Never stand too close to the edge of a fiscal cliff because the ground may be unstable. If you really must to stand on the edge of a cliff please make sure you are wearing a special fiscal safety harness. Other than that don’t spend more than you earn.

Dear Bibi: recently I heard that the Toronto’s Gardner Expressway is falling down. I know in Boston they buried their expressway with great success, but it cost a lot of money. What should we do? Tony in Toronto.

Dear Tony in Toronto: Well for one thing the Mayor of Hogtown was seen drunk at a Leafs game. He verbally abused a fan and then lied and said he was never there. Don’t hold out for any solutions from this guy. You can buy hard hats at any nearby Health and Safety outlet.

Dear Bibi: I am post menopausal and I’m experiencing a new sense of freedom and enjoyment in my sexuality. My husband would rather watch football. What should I do? Phyllis is Philly.

Dear Phyllis in Philly: Viagra nachos.

Dear Bibi: My daughter’s boyfriend is a cross dresser. He’s a real stunner and has a very heightened sense of fashion. They’re both doing well in school and do not do drugs. I’m just putting together my spring wardrobe. What should I do? Charles, in Calgary.

Dear Charles in Calgary: Take him shopping.

Dear Bibi: I’m afraid there is somebody out there who is going to attack me without my knowledge. Should I buy a gun? Connie in Connecticut.

Dear Connie in Connecticut: The National Rifle Association is an influential organization dedicated to helping  people like yourself keep the streets and hallways of your nation safe for democracy. The NRA believes that there is a place for private ownership of handguns and assault weapons in a civil society. The NRA will tell you yes, definitely, the sooner the better.
 
Dear Bibi: I’ve heard that according to the Mayan calendar the world is coming to an end unless we bring in Right to Work legislation right away. What should I do? Tim in Hudak.

Dear Tim in Hudak: stick your head back up your putrid ass you fucking moron.
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The Parkdale Liberation Front's Xmas Book List


 

The PLF’s Commissariat for Fine Literature presents its first annual unabashedly biased Book List for the literary minded Christmas shopper:

 

Best Novel Ever Written Since the Beginning of Time

Tieta, by Jorge Amado

Best Novel of all Time

A Star Called Henry, by Roddy Doyle

Best Novella of Greenwich Mean Time

The Testament of Mary, by Colm Toibin

Best Worst Novel Ever Written

For Whom the Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemmingway

Best American Novel
 
The Color Purple, by Alice Walker

Best Novel by a Canadian Never to Win the Nobel Peace Prize

Joshua Then and Now, by Mordecai Richler

Best Canadian Novel

This All Happened, by Michael Winter

Best Novel in English by a non-English Speaking Writer

A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers, by Guo Xiaolu

Best Novel by a Writer Not Named Mordecai Richler

A Complicated Kindness, by Miriam Toews

Best Novel of the 20th Century Not Entitled Ulysses

The Postman Always Rings Twice, by James M. Cain

Best Short Story of the 20th Century

Sparks, by Elmore Leonard in the collection, When the Women Came Out to Dance

Best Short Story in the World

A Good Man is Hard to Find, by Flannery O’Connor

Best Short Story in the Universe

Lily Daw and Her Three Sisters, by Eudora Welty in, A Curtain of Green

Best Novel in the World Featuring the Irish Famine

The Law of Dreams, by Peter Behrens

 Best Novel East of the North Pole

The True History of the Kelly Gang, by Peter Carey

Best Novel North of the South Pole

The Famished Road, by Ben Okri

 Best Children’s Novel

Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov



 
 
 

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Parkdale Liberation Front: Retirement Planning for the New Age





If you have just graduated from university and you are looking for a job you’re probably not thinking about retirement. You’ve got a whopping great loan to pay off. You’re looking at an unemployment rate almost three times the national average. Besides a lot of things can happen in forty years, there’s plenty of time. Right on the first one. We’re not so sure about the second one. We do know that it’s not just about the money.

Florida has been a traditional vacation spot and retirement location for Canadians. The highest point of land in Florida is Britton Hill, in Walton County at about 100 m above sea level. Miami is between zero and 12m. Forget Florida.

You could try central Florida or Georgia or the Carolinas, except there’s that analogy of rats off a sinking ship. The population of Dade County FLA is about 2.5 million people. You can’t expect them all to drown.

Two important new elements of retirement planning: the effects of climate change on sea levels and the effects of climate change on human migration patterns. You could also throw in the effects of climate change on world wide food production.

But let’s not worry about that for now. Maybe find a copy of Soylent Green on DVD. It was Edward G. Robinson’s final movie. There an irony there somewhere. For the more literary minded there’s Jonathan Swift’s, a Modest Proposal.

Back to your retirement. We at The Parkdale Liberation Front are thinking: wait a minute what about Parkdale? Well we’re about 75m above sea level so we’re safe there and we’re pretty much right in the middle of the continent. Not bad. Not bad. We put the barricades up in Mississauga, Vaughan and Ajax. Good, good.

What about Charlottetown in Prince Edward Island? Nice climate. Friendly people. Good housing at reasonable prices. Close to Boston. Like Miami it is at sea level. Yikes. The highest point on the island is no more than 50 m above sea level.

Now in the future we can expect more extreme weather events like Hurricane Sandy. As we said forget Florida. What does sea level to 50m give you if you’re about to get bashed over the head by a massively truculent hurricane? New York City is sea level to about 135m.

We told you that to tell you 50m means you don’t want to be retiring next to Anne of Green Gables. She’s already drowned.

While admittedly these numbers are projections the real fear amongst scientists is that climate change is accelerating. What were suggesting at the PLF is pretty basic. Save money and look north but not too near any shoreline. Be grateful the Tories dumped the long gun registry. Start lobbying them for assault rifles. Look to higher ground, maybe stock up on SPAM and buy a trenching tool, maybe one for the significant other.

It’s entirely possible technology will come to your rescue. The PLF’s International Intelligence Bureau has uncovered evidence that the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena California is working on a giant vacuum tube. The idea is to suck all the excess CO2 out of the atmosphere and point it in the direction of a black hole, a sort of cosmic inverse fart.

There, feel better?


 
 
 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Parkdale Liberation Front: Christmas Wish List


 



 
Dear Santa, honest we’ve been good kids, so here’s what we’re asking for:


1.  A reduction in the Infant Mortality Rate amongst First Nations to the Canadian National Average.

2.  Roll back funding on diseases of choice to fully fund research to combat Childhood Diseases.

3.  Ten percent of Children in Canada live in poverty. Twenty five percent of First Nations Children in Canada live in poverty. Who thinks that these kids are lazy, no good leeches on the public dime? Raise your hand. Right, point taken it’s the lazy, no good parents’ fault. Thank you, put your hand down. Go and flush yourself down a toilet. Shame on you. Please Santa, end Childhood Poverty.

Santa, we know you’ll try really hard to deliver. Now, if you’re not too busy we’d also like a new Xbox and an IPod and whatever else is on sale at Future Shop. We’d like some chocolate candy and some new clothes from Old Navy and H& M and other cool places. We’d like a gift coupon for McDonald's. We’d like a moratorium on homework and ever having to think about the ten million children who die of starvation worldwide every year.

Thanks Santa
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Queen Victoria on the American Presidential Election



We are not allowed to comment in public as Elizabeth knows. However one of the virtues of being dead is that you can say what you want without a lot of proles and Irish agitators having a go at you.

Am I the only one who has noticed that Brock Obama is a person of colour. They have a term for that but I can’t for the life of me think what it is. During my reign a lot of these coloured chaps were cannibals. Having said that you know it’s a blessing in disguise. No one could accuse him of being Irish.

His children are octoroons I believe and they seem like nice girls and they have a dog to play with. His wife is presentable. She reminds of a kitchen maid we once had in the palace.

Now as for this fiscal cliff everybody is talking about, it is a lot of nonsense. There is one sure way to avoid a fiscal cliff and that is a demi-tasse of urine in the morning, a little stretching and perhaps a walk in the rose garden. If you don’t have a rose garden a walk in the vineyards will do.

I rather like this Miff Romney man. He is white for one thing and you can never overestimate the importance of being white. I believe that is a play by Mr. Wilde who, as you know, was a notorious buggerer. Now to be fair buggerers have played an important role in the maintenance of the Empire. I need only mention the Duke of Wellington and you’ll know what I mean. The Ogre of Europe, Napoleon, was a dwarf and notorious fornicator. He ate with his fingers. The Duke always used a knife and fork. The Ogre lost.

But we digress. We were very impressed with Mr. Romney’s whiteness and that of his running mate Ryan Paul, who, we have in on authority is not the least bit Irish. White on white, that’s the ticket. It is unfortunate that enough American did not see it in that way. You know, once we let the wogs into Britain it was all downhill. They've pretty much taken over. When was the last time you bought a decent curry from a white man.

We have a workable solution for the Republican Party of America. We have it on good authority that if a white male procreates with a woman of colour, the colour of the offspring is diminished. We have it on good authority that if the practice is followed for four generations one will produce a white child. Now, how do you entice women of colour to participate? Theme parks with Ferris wheels, cotton candy, fireworks, all free of course. You’ll have the women of colour lining up to participate in the program. You might even entitle the endeavor:

RENEWING THE AMERICAN DREAM

Now of course this won’t work with the Irish, who are a despicable race and susceptible only to drink. Beware of including the Irish in such a program, although nominally white their hearts are as black as ebony. The Irish without a doubt are the scourge of mankind. I have it on good authority that the Irish are at least three limbs below a monkey on the evolutionary tree. Of evolution is nonsense, but you get my point. In fact during food shortages the Irish have been known to eat their children.


Sunday, October 28, 2012

Fragrant Mary Presents: The Importance of Having a Goal in Life



Fragrant Mary Presents:

 

The Importance of Having a Goal in Life: Interview with a chicken.


I am on location at one of the region’s largest and most important suppliers of chickens to independent abattoirs and butchers as well as the large supermarket chains. I am speaking with a chicken.

 

FM:          What shall I call you? There are so many of you and you all look alike. Do 
                 you mind if I call you Waldo?
 
Waldo:     I like Waldo, very nice.

FM:          Could you describe for me your current situation.

Waldo:     Well as you can see I live in a big barn with all these chickens and we walk
                 around on the floor. We’re what’s known as broilers. That means we don’t lay
                 any eggs. We have food and water over there from those tubes. Don’t ask me
                 what they’re feedin us because I don’t know.

FM:          There seem to be quite a lot of you.

Waldo:     Twenty-five thousand plus I’m guessin.

FM:          Waldo, do you fit in? Are you happy?

Waldo:     No, I don’t fit in and I’m not happy.

FM:          Why is that?

Waldo:     The truth is my goal in life is to be a free range chicken.

FM:          What is it about being a free range chicken that makes you want to be one?

Waldo:     For one thing they’re free and for another they’re out on the range. You have some
                 individual space. For another they live longer than ordinary broilers. They eat better too.
                 It’s not just what ever comes down the tube. For another they’re worth more at market
                 than a broiler or  specifically a roaster broiler which is what I am.

FM:          You’re life expectancy is what?

Waldo:     I’m out of here in four weeks. Eight weeks in total.

FM:          And a free range chicken goes to market in how many weeks?

Waldo:     Well, how about sixteen weeks. That’s awesome.

FM:          And you’ll fetch a higher price per pound of meat.

Waldo:     You bet.

FM:          Something to what, be proud of?

Waldo:     I’m a cut above then aren’t I?

FM:          But Waldo perhaps it’s just vanity.

Waldo:     Nobody in this world wants to be a broiler chicken or even a roaster broiler.

FM:          But everybody wants to be a free range chicken.

Waldo:     That’s the way I see it.

FM:          Tell me, do you have a plan, a break-out plan I mean.

Waldo:     I can’t say but let me tell you, me and a few others have been lookin at our
                 options.

FM:          Good luck then Waldo.

Waldo:     Hey, nice talkin to ya. You sure smell nice.
 
 
 
 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Parkdale Manifesto





The Parkdale Manifesto

(A work in progress)

Parkdale is a neighbourhood. This neighbourhood includes the poor and the wealthy, sane and the fit, the mentally and physically challenged. It includes a whole bunch of Tibetans and now it is home to a sizeable contingent of Roma. We have a methadone clinic in Parkdale that is quieter and more respectful of the neighbourhood than some of our restaurant / bars. The Parkdale Liberation Front’s definition of a neighbourhood is that it is inclusive. If you don’t like it you are welcome to stay.

Please move to the back of the streetcar, do not block the exits. Form a cue at bus and streetcar stops. Never, under any circumstances, fart in a bus, streetcar or subway train.

Please do not talk in a loud voice in public. Despite what you may think no one is interested in your miserable self centred life.

Hold open a door in a building for someone. Smile and say no rush, even if there is a rush. If you are in too much of a hurry to provide this simple courtesy you are either a bank robber or an asshole. When someone holds a door open for you, smile and say thank you.

When you encounter a stranger on the street smile and look them in the eye. Say hello or cheers and move on. The only thing you are selling, the only thing you are guilty of is the joy of the other. If cannot find the joy of the other you are seriously fucked up, par exemple, Monsieur le Maire, Rob Ford.

Please merge your vehicle in a controlled and dignified manner. Please do not cut in. Cutting in is symptomatic of a selfish personality, someone who might make a lot of money, or no money at all, someone who thinks that the world is all about me and who deep down inside is really an egregious  asshole. Merging into traffic is all about asking a favour. Allowing someone to merge is all about generosity. When you have successfully merged wave your hand in thanks.

Do not honk your horn unless it is life threatening. The Parkdale Liberation Front is currently working on a proposal that would see vehicles equipped with a hot wire that attaches to the genitalia of the driver. Upon the use of a horn except in the direst of circumstances, the driver’s genitalia would receive a severe electric shock. The car horn was not designed to be a servant of neurosis or alpha type assholes.

Share the freedom and joy of cycling by not riding your bicycle on the sidewalk. Share the awesomeness of cycling by wearing a helmet, belling when you pass another cyclist on the left. Use hand signals. Stop at all red lights. Glide carefully through stop signs. Transition slowly through pedestrian areas, walking speed is recommended.
Please pick up after your dog. People who do not pick up are beneath contempt, as worthy of our approbation as the bicycle thief. Well except for that guy in the Italian movie but that was about the predatory nature of Kapitalism.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

TVFP on Margaret Wente


 


 

From what we can tell Ms. Wente is pretty much what she says she is in her defence of Carol Wainio’s well documented blog Media Culpa revealing plagiarism and dodgy journalistic practices: ‘gee I’m sorry, but no way I’m falling on my sword because Carol Wainio is, you know, out to get me. Besides I’m right in the sense of the big picture. So go away.’

Well who knows and we don’t really care, the intelligent steadfast work of Carol Wainio notwithstanding. Carol Wainio and thoughtful, dispassionate, well intentioned people like her are pretty much irrelevant. That is, as they say, a cryin’ shame.

As we see it isn’t whether or not Margaret Wente disgraced the fifth estate, but whether or not you like her. That’s what we’ve gleaned from the Twitter stuff and other media comments. Margaret Wente suddenly and ironically to the commie pinko left is the new garbage.

(That is a reference to the 2009 Inside and Outside worker strike that pissed off the electorate and like the freaky meteor that gave us the cannibals in Night of the Living Dead, eventually brought Rob Ford to the mayor’s office.)

The public persona, whether you are a politician, a journalist, a bureaucrat, a tycoon, or whatever has been reduced to a popularity contest. So the idea is, you can survive anything if you are popular. For the most part the above have figured it out. You just have to have the right numbers, say 35 or 36 percent if you are Stephen Harper. Whether or not Margaret Wente's career goes up in smoke has nothing to do with integrity or intelligence. She has the numbers she stays. She doesn't she's gone.

As well our ur take on it at TVFP: for the most part JOURNALISM wakes up every morning and has a shower. It evacuates its bowels. It puts on a layer of deodorant and another layer of scent. It brushes its capped teeth, combs its coloured hair and puts on a clean pair of underwear.

Margaret Wente and, for that matter those two Titans of Journalism, Lorrie Goldstein and Sue Anne Levy, as well as so many others, the run of the mill  (there are some notable exceptions of course) smell so nice. They are people you’d be grateful to stand next to on an over crowded streetcar on a day when the humidex is off the chart.



 

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Queen Victoria on the Parti Quebecois




As you are well aware TVFP enlisted us to write a semi-regular column from Heaven on personal hygiene and beauty issues. We were delighted by the opportunity. We heartily encourage you to drink a demi-tasse of your own urine every morning. This will produce the most wondrous effects. It will improve the suppleness of your skin, shrink corns and produce a lovely oblong stool with perfect regularity.

Now about the French in general. How can you take a race of people seriously who worship a fungus, put a cream sauce on everything and consider Jerry Lewis a comic genius.

There are however, serious issues afoot in Canada, the village of small huts. You see we were there at the beginning. There was a lot of behind the scenes discussion about what to do with the French. 

An advisor to Sir John, who shall remain nameless, suggested you  ship them all to Louisiana, but apparently that had been tried and it didn’t work. Another suggestion was simply to cut out their tongues, thus sparing you their dreadful mangling of the English language.
 
In the end nothing was done and now here you are, the country is awash in poutine and you’ve got another go round with the Parti Quebecois. It’s your own fault.

Our suggestion would be to fence them in and charge them a toll every time they go to the mall or Florida. It would solve the national debt problem.

On a lighter note you might thank your lucky stars that you don’t live next to the Irish. They are a bestial race at best. Paleontologists continue to look for the missing link. We think they merely have to set foot in Dublin. Next to the Irish the French appear positively angelic.
 
 
Attila the Hun, in his much discussed review of Jim Read's The Big Smoke Blues wrote: ficken Ich mag diesen Kerl.
 
 
 

Sunday, September 2, 2012

The Death of Mary Dowser Update

 

Recently TVFP reported that the ever aromatic Mary Dowser had died. Reports surfaced that she was abducted in an engineless cardboard sedan during a Luis Bunel movie shoot in Kiev during the Euro 2012 Futbol tournament. Later the cardboard car was reported to have surfaced in California. We have new information:
 
Our sources in Kiev, Ukraine, a real sinkhole of a country, report that the engineless cardboard sedan was yellow. The name of the Luis Bunel film was Lost and Found in an Effortless Beam of Post-Modern Light. Senor Bunel wrote the script in conjunction with the notorious masterbater Salvador Dali. That’s all we know on the Ukraine front except that it is a real sinkhole of a place, worse than Florida.

On the Clara Kappelhoff front Ms. Kappelhoff reported to police that a yellow cardboard sedan was spotted in a field of horses and appeared to be competing with the equines for grazing space. Ms. Kappelhoff was apparently alcohol and drug free at the time of the sighting, just after dawn on a recent Sunday or maybe it was Monday morning. She wasn't sure.

That brings us up to date. Unfortunately we have not discovered the whereabouts of Ms. Dowser's remains, which leads us to believe she was tossed into an arborist's tree branch shredder machine and disposed of in an land fill site in England. Somewhere around Reading.

Martin Frobisher has written to us from Baffin Island: dear TVFP, I know something about looking for things. If I was looking for Mary Dowser I’d look in Reading. Sooner or later everything shows up in Reading. Television for instance, that showed up in Reading, as did the Internet. My guess is that if she’s riding around in a yellow cardboard sedan, she’s headed for Reading.

Other readers of TVFP have written in to us on the fate of effervescently fragrant Mary Dowser:

Queen Victoria writes: How does one know that the woman is dead? There is no evidence. If she is dead she’d smell rather foul, one thinks. Perhaps you need to hire a dog.

William Lyon Mackenzie writes: You stupid German cow. There is no known occurrence of anyone in our galaxy surviving a kidnapping in a cardboard sedan. There is even less evidence to support survival after a yellow cardboard sedan kidnapping, that is to say less than zero. In German that is uber zilch. Of course she’d dead and by foul means and that is what stinks, mum.

Susanna Moodie writes: where is Reading?

Eric the Red writes: Sveeden.

Louis XIV, the Sun King writes: L'anglais putain sont une douleur dans le cul ne fait aucun doute à ce sujet.

Brian Boru writes: Is iad na Béarla rás dÚsachtach, níos measa ná Gearmánaigh fucking.

Betty Crocker writes: Does anyone know the national dish of Sveeden?

St. Augustine of Hippo writes: Ingrid Bergman, but I've never met her. There was an age difference.
 

 *

Recently Ronald Reagan was asked to comment on ‘Heart Simple’, the heart rending, uplifting story by Jim Read. Mr. Read's story was influenced by the Gustave Flaubert piece, Un Cœur Simple.  Simple in Mr. Read’s usage also a refers to homeopathic medicine, in this case the ancient and undying remedy of love. President Reagan observed: well friends the story was written by a guy from the point of view of a gal. But what a gal!

 
 

 

 

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Canada's Dirtiest Companies



The Parkdale Liberation Front’s Bureau of Statistics is publishing a shocking expose on the leading filth producers in our country. These are Canadian businesses that have no downstream conscience.  In plain speak, CRIMINALS. You’ve probably seen them at a charity soiree, tanned, smiling, fashionable  .  .  .  .

TVFP was privileged to receive an advance copy of this damning report.

Damning Report

The PLF takes the position that any enterprise that creates a material product has a moral obligation to minimize the environmental impact of that product not only in the manufacturing process but also as the product makes its way downstream. For instance the Big Oil companies that are pillaging Northern Alberta are poisoning the downstream habitat. This is, in our view and in the view of the PLF, a criminal act, a kind of stealth genocide. Big Oil’s biggest toady is Stephen Harper.

Uncle Joe

As Uncle Joe once said, a hundred deaths is a tragedy, a million is just a statistic. The scale of habitat degradation in this country surpasses Stalin’s gulags. In fact it is too vast to believe. We revert to statistics. Well we would if Stephen Harper hadn’t cancelled the empirical based, scientific investigation that allows us to make informed, rational decisions. From now on your health and welfare will be guided by ideology. And God said let there be light.

Sub-Section




One of the sub-sections of the PLF expose deals with the fast food industry, specifically in Parkdale. Until this year our village was unblessed with the presence of that paragon of mediocrity Tim Horton’s. Now, at the corner of Jameson and Queen, the successful brand has built a flagship store. Not surprisingly Tim Horton’s coffee cups and other packaging began appearing in Parkdale streets, lanes and lawns.

Privatizing Garbage Pickup

The PLF in their ground breaking report on the Dirtiest Companies in Canada recommend further privatization of garbage pickup. As readers of TVFP may or may not know our porcine, flatulent, no show at Pride Days Mayor, has privatized garbage pickup west of Yonge Street. The PLF report recommends that garbage pickup should be further privatized across the city. Dirty Companies like Tim Horton’s should be required to police an area around their stores equal to one city block. The PLF estimates that, by requiring fast food chains to take responsibility for their downstream pollution, the city would save about 11 million dollars per year in solid waste costs.

Sound familiar?

Testimonial

Famed Canadian Hockey legend Howie Morenz had this to say about Jim Read's stories: the first time I picked one up I couldn't put it down. It was hell trying to tape my stick.



Sunday, August 19, 2012

TVFP on Big Tobacco



Big Tobacco manufactures, markets and sells a product that kills its users.  Tobacco also kills innocent bystanders with second hand smoke. Tobacco related illnesses are a major strain on our health care services. For instance the care and treatment for Tobacco related diseases siphons money away from the treatment and cure of childhood illnesses.

As the demographic shifts and one generation dies off Big Tobacco is forced to search for  new customers amongst teenagers and in third world populations.  Outright prohibition of Tobacco would simply create a larger black market and empower a new criminal element.

However when countries seek to educate and limit the spread of this lethal product Big Tobacco complains to the courts (as in Australia) that their intellectual property rights have been infringed.

The interesting thing (to the cynics at TVFP) is that if you wanted a poster industry for BIG CAPITALISM look no further than Big Tobacco.

When we listen to the business elite laud the BIG CAPITALIST system we look over their shoulders and notice that the system, like tobacco, is killing its users.

When we are lectured by political toadies on the need to free our industries from regulation in order to assure year on year growth, we look over their collective shoulder and see the smoldering ruins of a once bountiful landscape.  We see peoples poisoned by the relentless pursuit of profit.

When a wide eyed tenured academic points out that the wealth created by BIG CAPITALISM has provided us with freedoms and a life style unmatched in the history of man we look over his shoulder and see melting glaciers and new deserts arising and the drifting masses of the starving.

We at TVFP advocate that all products, like tobacco products, be required to reveal their lethal impact on the health of our individual planet, our one and only home.

For instance on the dashboard of your sleek new car we would like to see a picture of the devastation caused by the Alberta Tar Sands along with a note on the rising levels of deadly toxins in the downstream habitat.

Cars can kill.

As well landfill sites are filling up with millions of discarded cellphones. Toxins from these abandoned phones leaches into the ground water.

Cell phones can kill.

BIG CAPITALISM CAN KILL


Visit Jim Read's Website here.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The 2012 London Olympics vs The Infant Mortality Rate




Infant Mortality Rate is defined at the number of deaths of children under one year of age per thousand live births. The IMR is a key indicator of a nation’s economic, political and moral health. For instance after ten years of foreign involvement in Iraq the IMR remains essentially the same at 41.68

When planning your next winter getaway consider Mexico, a capitalist democracy with an IMR of 17.29 vs Cuba, a communist dictatorship with an IMR of 4.9

How do the top Olympic medal winning countries compare:

                                                     IMR

USA                                               6.06
China                                            16.06
Russia                                           10.08
Great Britain                                   4.62


The United States of America, despite its fading military power, its corrupt democracy, its predatory business elite continues to be all things to all people. However with a 41st over all IMR in the world there nothing here to wave the flag about. This is a nation that is becoming the sweatshop destination of choice. The IMR rating would seem to support the sense of a country in serious decline. Not even close to being an elite nation. No chance to get there.

We at TVFP take the rather cynical position that in a country with a population of over a billion individuals a low IMR is not particularly desirable.  However with a IMR ranking of 99 amongst the nations of the world this Olympic powerhouse is definitely an also ran.

Russia is the dipsomaniac in the Olympic Room. At 65th in the world the ineffectual transition to democratic capitalism has clearly gone off track. Not in the same league as China in manufacturing athletes but with a better IMR rating it is still running with the pack of mediocre nations.

Great Britain at 29th in the world and despite having a German cow for its head of state as well as a bobble headed Prince and Duchess, seems to be doing some things right. Remember this is the nation that brought genocide to Ireland and child labour to Manchester. Unfortunately the country is run by the slash and burn school of economics. Our guess is that Britain at 29th in the world is just treading water. Chances of achieving elite nation status marginal at best.

Canada:

Canada is number 35 with an IMR of 4.92. Canada like the US suffers from ineffectual leadership.  In developing countries our industry icons are denounced as guilty of genocide. The country is rich without really having to try. That is to say it isn’t so much a nation as a bucket of maple walnut ice cream. The Americans love maple walnut ice cream, so do the Chinese. We have lots of maple walnut ice cream so we’ll be okay for now. If you are a native Canadian you are fucked in any kind of term, well unless you own a casino or a lot of RPGs. If you live down stream of the tar sands your food sources have already been compromised.

We are not really good at innovation or just about anything that doesn’t involve a shovel or a chainsaw. We have a lovely Charter of Rights and lots of nice freedoms, but that is because we are rich and not because we are rationally inclined to progressive policies.  Tommy Douglas notwithstanding Canada’s  modestly progressive social programs have the look and feel of an afterthought. Canada looks good because of our geography vis a vis next to the US and that has pretty much been the excuse. With Steven Harper setting the agenda, no chance of getting to elite nation status.


The Elite

IMR under 4.0

Monaco
Singapore
Bermuda
Sweden
Japan
Iceland
France
Italy
Spain
Finland
Anguilla


It must be said that of the ten elite countries one is now owed by a corner store across from the old Reichstag run by an Libyan immigrant named Youseef. One is on financial life support from the EU, another is on the verge of an economic coronary. It’s difficult to think of Monaco, about as large as a nascent pimple on the rump of France, as a nation with its philandering Prince and reluctant bride. As for Singapore, Bermuda and Anguilla, like Monaco much too tiny. On the other hand they have spent there bounty wisely. Good for them. That leaves Sweden, Japan , France and Finland. Sweden has Elin Nordegren, Japan has seaweed, France has Zidane Zidane, we’re not sure who Finland has. We at TVFP are taking Sweden.




Sunday, August 5, 2012

MARY DOWSER IS DEAD



TVFP regrets to report that the ever fragrant Mary Dowser has died. Mary Dowser was a championship typist, TVFP correspondent, intrepid adventurer, intimate friend of Che Guevara, Hugh Firmin, Don Juan and Thomas Beckett. She was a friend to various Native American divinities such as Coyote Boy, Quetzachotl and Great Manitou. In a past life she was Mary Driscoll an Irish girl who escaped the English genocide in an coffin ship out of Cork. The indefatigably odoriferous Mary Dowser will be sadly missed.

The awesomely aromatic Ms Dowser was last seen forcibly abducted into a red Toyota Tercel outside a hotel in Kiev where she was covering the Euro 2012 futbol tournament for TVFP. Our sources discovered that the car was a cardboard cut out and that it was a prop for a film by Luis Bunel the famous surrealist director. When TVFP queried our sources on just how a person could be abducted in a cardboard car we were stymied. The investigation lagged, then it stagnated, there were mosquito larvae on the surface of the investigation. Enter Clara Kappelhoff.

TVFP Mary Dowser appearances, in chronological order:


Ted's Parkdale Kitchen

Ernesto 'Che' Guevara in Parkdale Part I

Ernesto 'Che' Guevara in Parkdale Part II

Changes at THE VIEW and Mary Dowser Reports

An Important Announcement and Mary Dowser Reports from the Yucatan

Occupy Toronto / Mary Dowser on Don Juan

The Wizards of Parkdale

The Don River Sold to the Saudis / Mary Dowser Returns

The Return of Mary Dowser: Kapitalism for Kids

Mary Dowser Reports: The Masters and IBM, A Good Fit

Mary Dowser Reports: Cannibalism for the Middle Class

The Mary Dowser School of Business Education

MARY DOWSER KIDNAPPED

TVFP New Security Features / Mary Dowser Update

Mary Dowser Kidnapping Update


Ms. Kappelhoff is a respected and much loved Hollywood actress from the 50’s who, along with famous leading man and cross-dresser Roy Scherer Jr. made several frothy romances such as: Pillow Talk and Lover Come Back.

Ms. Kappelhoff is a life long supporter of the Republican Party of Mitt (The Twit) Romney and Sarah Palin and, like her equally blonde and iconic European counter part the French sex kitten and racist Brigitte Bardot, a committed animal rights activist.

Two days after the abduction of Mary Dowser Ms. Kappelhoff was reported to have complained to the Carmel-by-the-Sea Police Chief that a cardboard cut-out of a Toyota Tercel driven by a female in her late twenties, slim build, medium height, with a sepia tone orchid on her left shoulder, had been interfering with her horses. Carmel police, upon investigating, discovered suspicious one inch wide tire tracks around the equine enclosure.

Other famous people who live in Carmel-by-the-Sea:

Roy Chapman Andrews
Nora May French
Ira Remsen
Charis Wilson

STAY TUNED FOR MORE ON THE MYSTERIOUS DEATH OF MARY DOWSER


Maeve Binchy on Jim Read

Maeve Binchy recently deceased and beloved Irish writer has written to TVFP from the other side: Jim Read is an iconoclast and a bit of a rogue. He is handsome in a rough bog Irish sort of way. His short book Dispatches from the Belleisle is a remarkable achievement. As James Joyce said of Ernest Hemingway's A Clean Well Lighted Place : he has reduced the veil between literature and life, which is what every writer strives to do. It is masterly. Indeed, it is one of the best short stories ever written  .  .  .  Ms. Binchy goes on to say, I get the same feeling when I read one of Jim Read's short stories.

Dispatches From the Belleisle

Follow this link to the Jim Read website to sample and purchase Dispatches from the Belleisle and other terrific stories for an eBook retailer near you.






Sunday, July 29, 2012

TVFP Report: Foreign Strippers Out


 
The abrogation of work permits for foreign exotic dancers must come as welcome news to the more impoverished areas of the country where jobs are hard to come by. Now your daughter, with her heart set on a university education, but no hope of affording one, can earn top dollar as a stripper in downtown Calgary. She’ll have her tuition paid in no time as well as achieving the daily physical activity requirements as recommend by Health Canada.

Jason Kenny, Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism, a close Harper toady, sites health and safety concerns at the rationale behind the move. What the Harperites are really doing is targeting victims. It's a proven ineffective ploy and typical of governments with no progressive vision of reform. These unfortunate victims provide the illusion of effective action and moral superiority to the gullible minority (about 33%) necessary to win an election. The dirty business of exploitation goes on as per usual, with a slightly different cast, but the same directors, nothing much changes and hypocrites like Jason Kenny sneer at the rest of us soft on crime, hug-a-thug types who haven't confused the symptoms with the cause.

Apparently the adult entertainment industry is contemplating targeting high school students through recruiting initiatives. They’ll be in good company. Other greed driven, exploitative industries that attempt to lure students into questionable careers include: the petroleum industry, currently engaged in the systematic destruction of great expanses of Northern Alberta, including Native habitat; the mining industry, a world leader in systemic genocide, the forest industry whose clear cut harvesting practices and token reforestation threaten huge tracts of habit and the livelihood of innumerable species.








Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Parkdale Liberation Front: New Superfood Discovered





New Super Food

Epipremnum wonderissii parkdalensis

Common Name: Holysmoke Vine

Recently Parkdale horticulturalists have come across a strange plant in the lanes and backyards along Queen Street West. The plant, a clinging ground  vine, has been identified as a previously unidentified hardy variety of Epipremnum or the pothos vine so common in interior landscapes. The Parkdale Liberation Front department of Homeopathy, recently relocated from the patio of The Rhino to the back of The Cadillac Lounge after an unfortunate incident involving a dispute between the bar manager and Subcommander Annie, has been investigating this promising vine.

Holysmoke Vine contains most of the vitamins you need every day, just one serving of Holysmoke Vine contains Vitamin B15, Vitamin B21, Vitamin B305, Vitamin B57, Vitamin B66, Frolicing Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnum 4s, Bosporus, Potassium and Cement, not to mention genetically encoded messages of salvation from the King James Bible.

No time for a nap in the afternoon? Holysmoke Vine is an excellent source of naturally occurring amphetamines as well as genetically encoded pictures Pamela Anderson as Ophelia in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Simply chew on the vine as you would a leaf of a coca plant.

Men, doesn’t it bother you when your bathroom mirror fogs up every time you let off a beer fart? Try a puree of Holysmoke Vine and shredded leather. Spray on and wipe clean. Not only will your mirror sparkle but your bathroom will boast an additional manly scent.

Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Wrap Holysmoke Vine around a cocktail onion and place in a Royal Chinette dish. The schedule B subprime chemicals in the Holysmoke Vine react with the paper to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and cause them to emigrate to Etobicoke. If you live in Etobicoke, home of Rob Ford, obese Mayor of Toronto with a marginal grasp of reality, sorry, you are SOL.

Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a leaf or two of Holysmoke Vine along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the vine cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on stucco.

Want to avoid a hangover? Holysmoke Vine doesn’t work for boozers. Be a role model for your kids and switch to a recreational drug.

Stuck in space, somewhere between Venus and the Ophra Quadrant, Clingons hard on your ass, the dylithium crystals exhausted?  Pas de problem mon Capitan Jean-Luc  .  .  .  .




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Sunday, July 15, 2012

The Parkdale Liberation Front: Health Warning!!!


 

The Parkdale Liberation Front, Department of Health, currently located on the patio of The Rhino on Queen West in Parkdale has recently issued a cautionary Health Warning:

The Tim Hudak 
(Leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario)
virus is coming to your Hood

The deadly virus pictured here:

666


has currently infected about 30% of the Canadian Population. Similar viruses in the United States and Europe are widespread. In US Right to Work states, the virus is estimated to infect over half the population.

Symptoms: What to look for:

- individuals infected with the TH 666 virus have difficulty distinguishing between ideology and reality.
- the infection reduces and in some cases, particularly with politicians, completely eradicates the ability to reason effectively.
- the infection produces a very low tolerance for empirical data.
- in many cases the TH 666 virus causes individuals to hate-target certain groups, including but not limited to women, men, whales, visible minorities, the physically and mentally challenged, gays and lesbians, unions, squirrels, legal aid lawyers, cyclists and The CBC.

The Burning Question on Queen Street West:

Does the TH 666 virus make you stupid?

The Burning Answer to the Burning Question:

YES

How can you as a rational human being protect yourself?

- if you come in physical contact with some one infected with the TH 666 virus immediately and vigorously wash your hands or any part of the skin that was in contact with the sick individual.  Use an industrial strength antiseptic. Chill with the McGarrigle sisters for a couple of hours. Hope for the best.

What if I’ve been infected?

- the problem is that you won’t know it. Suddenly you have all the answers, somewhere cool to go to after you’re dead and  somebody to blame for all your problems. One day you wake up in a beat up mobile home on cinder blocks and have a bowl of dog kibble for breakfast. Along the hall your are kids coughing, too sick to go to school, your wife sick and in pain. A soft wind delivers the eye watering odour of a pig abattoir down the road and you shed a tear for the almighty glory of your good fortune.

Alternatively you wake up in a million dollar penthouse loft condo with a beautiful man or woman snoring softly next to you. You gaze out your window at a rind of toxic smog over the lake, comfortable in the knowledge that your Porshe Carrera is snug and safe in the attack dog patrolled underground parking lot. You turn over and go back to sleep and dream of extracting more precious metals from the earth assured that the downstream poisoning of native people's land, the poisoning of their children and their future, ain't your problem.


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Sunday, July 8, 2012

Mary Dowser Kidnapping Update


 
The case so far: The charmingly odoriferous Mary Dowser met up with a mysterious stranger on the train from Paris to Kiev. The stranger turned out to be Thomas Beckett. They struck up a sudden friendship. Sometime after their arrival at Kiev the aromatic Ms. Dowser emerging with Mr. Beckett from their hotel was suddenly carried off by unknown assailants. 

See recent posts:

6/17/24

6/24/12

Concerned for the safety of Championship Typist, TVFP correspondent and intrepid traveller we hired the private detective firm of Dragon and Associates to pursue the apparent kidnapping of Ms. Dowser in broad daylight on the streets of Kiev, the Ukraine. The firm’s principal Nicholas Dragon has written to us with his preliminary findings:

I don’t know the Ukraine, but I know someone who does. Sergei Tov isn’t just tough. He invented tough. Sergei Tov isn’t just smart he invented a little computer gadget that made him rich while his compatriots were nothing more than pariah dogs ripping at the entrails of the old Soviet Union. How I got to know Sergei Tov is classified. I don’t talk about it so don’t ask. Now Sergei Tov agreed to look into the Dowser affair. Here is a copy of his report to me:

Hey Nicky old friend, old buddy, how was they hangin. Listen this place is a kennel, really. It used to be a nice place. And the girls, really.  Anyway after Uncle Joe starved a thirty million of these Ukrainines to death they was all different. I got something for you. I don’t know what it is. This car that was abducted Mary Dowser was minus one engine, probably four cylinder. Okay that is telling me something. How do one get abducted in a car with no engine? What is everybody seeing? That day of fut-bol everybody is drunk so maybe they are seeing pink elephants. So I’m asking around. I know this girl, okay. No question asked. Her name is probably Mariangela and maybe she’s Italian who was married to this American diplomat for awhile, but I don’t know for sure. This is what she said in English for your eyes only:

Sergei okay, buon giorno you are a real bastard okay I’m not saying that my sister is so don’t ask me for any favours unless you have the Euros right up front. Okay but I owe you one. I got a name for you. Rossario de van Rothskildenski, okay, his great old man was a Junker. How do you like that, bastard?

At this point TVFP asked to obvious question: who is Rossario de van Rothskildenski. Nicholas Dragon replied:

We’re working on that.

Stay turned for more on the ever fragrant Mary Dowser abduction.


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