Sunday, December 16, 2012

TVFP: Ask A Twelve Year Old

TVFP, always on the lookout for new channels of wisdom, has been inspired by Porn Star Samantha Ardente, who was reported in the Toronto Star as saying she only went ahead with her plan to start her own Adult film company after receiving the approval of her twelve year old daughter.

Once again we proudly present a the latest installment of an online help desk featuring our twelve year old niece Bibi. By the way Bibi’s grown up a bit since her last post:


Dear Bibi: I’m worried about this fiscal cliff everybody is talking about. What should I do? Marnie in Minnesota

Dear Marnie in Minnesota: fiscal cliffs can be dangerous and there should always be warning signs posted. Never stand too close to the edge of a fiscal cliff because the ground may be unstable. If you really must to stand on the edge of a cliff please make sure you are wearing a special fiscal safety harness. Other than that don’t spend more than you earn.

Dear Bibi: recently I heard that the Toronto’s Gardner Expressway is falling down. I know in Boston they buried their expressway with great success, but it cost a lot of money. What should we do? Tony in Toronto.

Dear Tony in Toronto: Well for one thing the Mayor of Hogtown was seen drunk at a Leafs game. He verbally abused a fan and then lied and said he was never there. Don’t hold out for any solutions from this guy. You can buy hard hats at any nearby Health and Safety outlet.

Dear Bibi: I am post menopausal and I’m experiencing a new sense of freedom and enjoyment in my sexuality. My husband would rather watch football. What should I do? Phyllis is Philly.

Dear Phyllis in Philly: Viagra nachos.

Dear Bibi: My daughter’s boyfriend is a cross dresser. He’s a real stunner and has a very heightened sense of fashion. They’re both doing well in school and do not do drugs. I’m just putting together my spring wardrobe. What should I do? Charles, in Calgary.

Dear Charles in Calgary: Take him shopping.

Dear Bibi: I’m afraid there is somebody out there who is going to attack me without my knowledge. Should I buy a gun? Connie in Connecticut.

Dear Connie in Connecticut: The National Rifle Association is an influential organization dedicated to helping  people like yourself keep the streets and hallways of your nation safe for democracy. The NRA believes that there is a place for private ownership of handguns and assault weapons in a civil society. The NRA will tell you yes, definitely, the sooner the better.
Dear Bibi: I’ve heard that according to the Mayan calendar the world is coming to an end unless we bring in Right to Work legislation right away. What should I do? Tim in Hudak.

Dear Tim in Hudak: stick your head back up your putrid ass you fucking moron.

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