Sunday, December 30, 2012

An American Talks About Guns


I was a boy when old Shep got sick and my Daddy said well son I’ve got to take old Shep out back and shoot him. My Daddy said, I don’t like to see an animal suffer. I said, Daddy, Shep was my dog and I’ll take him out back. I called for Shep. His ears perked up and I know dogs can’t smile but he sure seemed happy to hear his name. Come on Shep let’s go for a walk, I called. Well, old Shep was a little slow getting up but he was wagging his tail.

We went up through the field to a place that I thought he’d like. I had to carry him that last few yards and then I put him down on the hill. It looked out over the fields where there were the gophers and rabbits that he liked to chase. The sun was going down on the stream that he liked to splash around in when we were out on a hike. I thought this would be a good place.

Shep sat and looked out at the vista of his new life across the stream, his river Jordan I guess you could say. I had my single shot twenty-two that had been my Daddy’s and his Daddy’s before him. I said, old Shep you have been a good dog, the best dog and friend I could ever want. I know you won’t mind what I have to do. I put my arms around him and gave him one last hug. I love you, Shep, I said. I loaded up the gun and put the muzzle to his ear. He didn’t suspect a thing. He was whimpering a little with the pain in his haunches and he was panting.

I pulled the trigger and he jumped a little and went over on his side. To my surprise I old Shep didn’t die. His eyes were still open and he was still panting. I just had the one bullet and it was a mile back to the house. But I had brought the shovel and so I reared back and smashed the shovel down on old Shep’s head. I hit him again and then I was sure he was dead.

I always remembered that and so when my son came to me and said, old Shep II was feeling poorly and he won’t get up I said, son well I guess it’s his time. We took old Shep II up to the hill where his forerunners were buried. My son carried his Bushmaster AR-15 assault rifle with a thirty round clip. He set the fire selector and put the muzzle to the dog’s ear. Goodbye old Shep II we loved you deeply. This time there was no need of a shovel except to dig the grave on the hill where to this day our beloved companions lie in  peace.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Celebrating the Birth of Christ

The Birth of Christ

The Nag Hammadi Library: excerpt from the Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicitas: Carthage circa 203 CE

As for Felicitas, she too enjoyed the Lord's favour in this wise. She had been pregnant when she was arrested, and was now in her eighth month. As the day of the spectacle drew near she was very distressed that her martyrdom would be postponed because of her pregnancy; for it is against the law for women with child to be executed. Thus she might have to shed her holy, innocent blood afterwards along with others who were common criminals. Her comrades in martyrdom were also saddened; for they were afraid that they would have to leave behind so fine a companion to travel alone on the same road to hope. And so, two days before the contest, they poured forth a prayer to the Lord in one torrent of common grief. And immediately after their prayer the birth pains came upon her. She suffered a good deal in her labour because of the natural difficulty of an eight months' delivery.


PD-Art:original painting circa 900CE

Sunday, December 16, 2012

TVFP: Ask A Twelve Year Old

TVFP, always on the lookout for new channels of wisdom, has been inspired by Porn Star Samantha Ardente, who was reported in the Toronto Star as saying she only went ahead with her plan to start her own Adult film company after receiving the approval of her twelve year old daughter.

Once again we proudly present a the latest installment of an online help desk featuring our twelve year old niece Bibi. By the way Bibi’s grown up a bit since her last post:


Dear Bibi: I’m worried about this fiscal cliff everybody is talking about. What should I do? Marnie in Minnesota

Dear Marnie in Minnesota: fiscal cliffs can be dangerous and there should always be warning signs posted. Never stand too close to the edge of a fiscal cliff because the ground may be unstable. If you really must to stand on the edge of a cliff please make sure you are wearing a special fiscal safety harness. Other than that don’t spend more than you earn.

Dear Bibi: recently I heard that the Toronto’s Gardner Expressway is falling down. I know in Boston they buried their expressway with great success, but it cost a lot of money. What should we do? Tony in Toronto.

Dear Tony in Toronto: Well for one thing the Mayor of Hogtown was seen drunk at a Leafs game. He verbally abused a fan and then lied and said he was never there. Don’t hold out for any solutions from this guy. You can buy hard hats at any nearby Health and Safety outlet.

Dear Bibi: I am post menopausal and I’m experiencing a new sense of freedom and enjoyment in my sexuality. My husband would rather watch football. What should I do? Phyllis is Philly.

Dear Phyllis in Philly: Viagra nachos.

Dear Bibi: My daughter’s boyfriend is a cross dresser. He’s a real stunner and has a very heightened sense of fashion. They’re both doing well in school and do not do drugs. I’m just putting together my spring wardrobe. What should I do? Charles, in Calgary.

Dear Charles in Calgary: Take him shopping.

Dear Bibi: I’m afraid there is somebody out there who is going to attack me without my knowledge. Should I buy a gun? Connie in Connecticut.

Dear Connie in Connecticut: The National Rifle Association is an influential organization dedicated to helping  people like yourself keep the streets and hallways of your nation safe for democracy. The NRA believes that there is a place for private ownership of handguns and assault weapons in a civil society. The NRA will tell you yes, definitely, the sooner the better.
Dear Bibi: I’ve heard that according to the Mayan calendar the world is coming to an end unless we bring in Right to Work legislation right away. What should I do? Tim in Hudak.

Dear Tim in Hudak: stick your head back up your putrid ass you fucking moron.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The Parkdale Liberation Front's Xmas Book List


The PLF’s Commissariat for Fine Literature presents its first annual unabashedly biased Book List for the literary minded Christmas shopper:


Best Novel Ever Written Since the Beginning of Time

Tieta, by Jorge Amado

Best Novel of all Time

A Star Called Henry, by Roddy Doyle

Best Novella of Greenwich Mean Time

The Testament of Mary, by Colm Toibin

Best Worst Novel Ever Written

For Whom the Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemmingway

Best American Novel
The Color Purple, by Alice Walker

Best Novel by a Canadian Never to Win the Nobel Peace Prize

Joshua Then and Now, by Mordecai Richler

Best Canadian Novel

This All Happened, by Michael Winter

Best Novel in English by a non-English Speaking Writer

A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers, by Guo Xiaolu

Best Novel by a Writer Not Named Mordecai Richler

A Complicated Kindness, by Miriam Toews

Best Novel of the 20th Century Not Entitled Ulysses

The Postman Always Rings Twice, by James M. Cain

Best Short Story of the 20th Century

Sparks, by Elmore Leonard in the collection, When the Women Came Out to Dance

Best Short Story in the World

A Good Man is Hard to Find, by Flannery O’Connor

Best Short Story in the Universe

Lily Daw and Her Three Sisters, by Eudora Welty in, A Curtain of Green

Best Novel in the World Featuring the Irish Famine

The Law of Dreams, by Peter Behrens

 Best Novel East of the North Pole

The True History of the Kelly Gang, by Peter Carey

Best Novel North of the South Pole

The Famished Road, by Ben Okri

 Best Children’s Novel

Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov


Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Parkdale Liberation Front: Retirement Planning for the New Age

If you have just graduated from university and you are looking for a job you’re probably not thinking about retirement. You’ve got a whopping great loan to pay off. You’re looking at an unemployment rate almost three times the national average. Besides a lot of things can happen in forty years, there’s plenty of time. Right on the first one. We’re not so sure about the second one. We do know that it’s not just about the money.

Florida has been a traditional vacation spot and retirement location for Canadians. The highest point of land in Florida is Britton Hill, in Walton County at about 100 m above sea level. Miami is between zero and 12m. Forget Florida.

You could try central Florida or Georgia or the Carolinas, except there’s that analogy of rats off a sinking ship. The population of Dade County FLA is about 2.5 million people. You can’t expect them all to drown.

Two important new elements of retirement planning: the effects of climate change on sea levels and the effects of climate change on human migration patterns. You could also throw in the effects of climate change on world wide food production.

But let’s not worry about that for now. Maybe find a copy of Soylent Green on DVD. It was Edward G. Robinson’s final movie. There an irony there somewhere. For the more literary minded there’s Jonathan Swift’s, a Modest Proposal.

Back to your retirement. We at The Parkdale Liberation Front are thinking: wait a minute what about Parkdale? Well we’re about 75m above sea level so we’re safe there and we’re pretty much right in the middle of the continent. Not bad. Not bad. We put the barricades up in Mississauga, Vaughan and Ajax. Good, good.

What about Charlottetown in Prince Edward Island? Nice climate. Friendly people. Good housing at reasonable prices. Close to Boston. Like Miami it is at sea level. Yikes. The highest point on the island is no more than 50 m above sea level.

Now in the future we can expect more extreme weather events like Hurricane Sandy. As we said forget Florida. What does sea level to 50m give you if you’re about to get bashed over the head by a massively truculent hurricane? New York City is sea level to about 135m.

We told you that to tell you 50m means you don’t want to be retiring next to Anne of Green Gables. She’s already drowned.

While admittedly these numbers are projections the real fear amongst scientists is that climate change is accelerating. What were suggesting at the PLF is pretty basic. Save money and look north but not too near any shoreline. Be grateful the Tories dumped the long gun registry. Start lobbying them for assault rifles. Look to higher ground, maybe stock up on SPAM and buy a trenching tool, maybe one for the significant other.

It’s entirely possible technology will come to your rescue. The PLF’s International Intelligence Bureau has uncovered evidence that the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena California is working on a giant vacuum tube. The idea is to suck all the excess CO2 out of the atmosphere and point it in the direction of a black hole, a sort of cosmic inverse fart.

There, feel better?