Sunday, August 26, 2012

Canada's Dirtiest Companies

The Parkdale Liberation Front’s Bureau of Statistics is publishing a shocking expose on the leading filth producers in our country. These are Canadian businesses that have no downstream conscience.  In plain speak, CRIMINALS. You’ve probably seen them at a charity soiree, tanned, smiling, fashionable  .  .  .  .

TVFP was privileged to receive an advance copy of this damning report.

Damning Report

The PLF takes the position that any enterprise that creates a material product has a moral obligation to minimize the environmental impact of that product not only in the manufacturing process but also as the product makes its way downstream. For instance the Big Oil companies that are pillaging Northern Alberta are poisoning the downstream habitat. This is, in our view and in the view of the PLF, a criminal act, a kind of stealth genocide. Big Oil’s biggest toady is Stephen Harper.

Uncle Joe

As Uncle Joe once said, a hundred deaths is a tragedy, a million is just a statistic. The scale of habitat degradation in this country surpasses Stalin’s gulags. In fact it is too vast to believe. We revert to statistics. Well we would if Stephen Harper hadn’t cancelled the empirical based, scientific investigation that allows us to make informed, rational decisions. From now on your health and welfare will be guided by ideology. And God said let there be light.


One of the sub-sections of the PLF expose deals with the fast food industry, specifically in Parkdale. Until this year our village was unblessed with the presence of that paragon of mediocrity Tim Horton’s. Now, at the corner of Jameson and Queen, the successful brand has built a flagship store. Not surprisingly Tim Horton’s coffee cups and other packaging began appearing in Parkdale streets, lanes and lawns.

Privatizing Garbage Pickup

The PLF in their ground breaking report on the Dirtiest Companies in Canada recommend further privatization of garbage pickup. As readers of TVFP may or may not know our porcine, flatulent, no show at Pride Days Mayor, has privatized garbage pickup west of Yonge Street. The PLF report recommends that garbage pickup should be further privatized across the city. Dirty Companies like Tim Horton’s should be required to police an area around their stores equal to one city block. The PLF estimates that, by requiring fast food chains to take responsibility for their downstream pollution, the city would save about 11 million dollars per year in solid waste costs.

Sound familiar?


Famed Canadian Hockey legend Howie Morenz had this to say about Jim Read's stories: the first time I picked one up I couldn't put it down. It was hell trying to tape my stick.

No comments:

Post a Comment