The Parkdale Liberation Front Uncovers Secret Espionage Activity in Parkdale

Sub-Lt. Jeffrey Delisle of the Royal Canadian Navy was sentenced on January 10^th to twenty years in the hoosegow and a fine of $111,000 CDN for passing naval secrets to the Rooskies. The PLF has recently completed its own investigation into secret espionage activity in the Village of Parkdale.

During our investigation the PLF secret investigative team of Assistant Commander Ron and Patti, a waitress at a local Parkdale establishment were able to capture a top secret conversation between a high official in the Chinese Ministry of State Security (MSS) and an important operative of the Russian Intelligence Directorate (GRU).

We are pleased to be able to provide a transcript of this shocking conversation to the Canadian people.

MSS         Victor, nice to see you, huh.

GRU         You too, Lee.

MSS         So you buying Canadian now.

GRU         We shop the world as befitting the importance of our nation’s 

                  international stature.

MSS         You buy from us, huh.

GRU         Only from approved sources.

MSS         I approve all your sources. Give you good deal, huh? It’s okay I see you

                 blushing. You get any good stuff from Sub-Lieutenant?

GRU         Let’s just say that the transactions with the naval officer were most beneficial.

MSS         How much you pay?

GRU         I think we paid fair market value.

MSS         You think so. You buy from me I give you discount. You boss think you

                 awesome.

GRU         Why would I buy Canadian goods from China?

MSS         Listen Victor, inside Oval Office there a little string. President Obama pull

                 little string Prime Minister Harper jump up say, woof, woof. Okay.

GRU         I think it’s fair to say that Washington has a great deal of influence in Ottawa.

MSS         He pull another string Harper roll over play dead.

GRU         Perhaps an exaggeration.

MSS         Okay no exaggeration who own Canada?

GRU         Certainly the US is Canada’s largest trading partner.

MSS         Okay next question, who own the US?

GRU         What’s your point, Lee?

MSS         Everybody know China own US, so US own Canada, next time you in market for

                 information you come to me I give you good deal, top notch stuff.

GRU         Really?

MSS         Is all about Arctic resources Victor. They ours, huh. You wait and see.

GRU         I don’t think so.

MSS         Confucius say: A man only as faithful as his appetites. You want another latte?

 

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TVFP: A Delhi Savant's Homily on a Box

 

 

A Delhi Savant's Homily on a Box

We were reading the news feeds and we thought you would appreciate this little gem plucked from the Letters to the Editor section of a certain Delhi newspaper. This man writes:

Now let us please agree that a box is a receptacle. It may have four sides or it may not; a hat box for instance, may very well be circular. The one property that they share is their availability as a receptacle. Of this there can be no doubt. In fact I mention it here at the risk of being accused of stating the obvious. However it is necessary to lay out our terms of reference before we can proceed, as men of good will and with an interest in understanding the truth.

Now let us say that an empty box is a box in name only. It exists in time and space however its emptiness is like a bird without a song, a poet without a voice, a flower that fails to blossom. In this we can agree, can we not, that an empty box is bereft, a sad thing, its emptiness like the sharp keening of sorrow across an expanse of water.

Thus we must agree that the thing in and of itself is only truly itself when it is put to the use for which it was constructed whether by man or by the gods themselves. And we know that a box can be put to many uses. One might use a velvet lined box to conceal a sparkling gem for the graceful neck of a beloved wife. One might use a plain box to store the treasures of one’s childhood such as cherished photographs or much loved toys.

But supposing one came upon an empty box that is, let us say, in the public domain? Perhaps it is on public transit. This box is empty this much is obvious. How does one respond? Clearly an empty box is, in that diminished state less than itself, it is a mere shade wandering in the twilight, an object pity for some, of scorn for others. Does it not then follow that to fill such an empty box cannot be condemned, but rather applauded, in the light of logic and reason? Is it not at the very least a human kindness?

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An American Talks About Guns

 

I was a boy when old Shep got sick and my Daddy said well son I’ve got to take old Shep out back and shoot him. My Daddy said, I don’t like to see an animal suffer. I said, Daddy, Shep was my dog and I’ll take him out back. I called for Shep. His ears perked up and I know dogs can’t smile but he sure seemed happy to hear his name. Come on Shep let’s go for a walk, I called. Well, old Shep was a little slow getting up but he was wagging his tail.

We went up through the field to a place that I thought he’d like. I had to carry him that last few yards and then I put him down on the hill. It looked out over the fields where there were the gophers and rabbits that he liked to chase. The sun was going down on the stream that he liked to splash around in when we were out on a hike. I thought this would be a good place.

Shep sat and looked out at the vista of his new life across the stream, his river Jordan I guess you could say. I had my single shot twenty-two that had been my Daddy’s and his Daddy’s before him. I said, old Shep you have been a good dog, the best dog and friend I could ever want. I know you won’t mind what I have to do. I put my arms around him and gave him one last hug. I love you, Shep, I said. I loaded up the gun and put the muzzle to his ear. He didn’t suspect a thing. He was whimpering a little with the pain in his haunches and he was panting.

I pulled the trigger and he jumped a little and went over on his side. To my surprise I old Shep didn’t die. His eyes were still open and he was still panting. I just had the one bullet and it was a mile back to the house. But I had brought the shovel and so I reared back and smashed the shovel down on old Shep’s head. I hit him again and then I was sure he was dead.

I always remembered that and so when my son came to me and said, old Shep II was feeling poorly and he won’t get up I said, son well I guess it’s his time. We took old Shep II up to the hill where his forerunners were buried. My son carried his Bushmaster AR-15 assault rifle with a thirty round clip. He set the fire selector and put the muzzle to the dog’s ear. Goodbye old Shep II we loved you deeply. This time there was no need of a shovel except to dig the grave on the hill where to this day our beloved companions lie in  peace.

Celebrating the Birth of Christ

 

The Birth of Christ

The Nag Hammadi Library: excerpt from the Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicitas: Carthage circa 203 CE

As for Felicitas, she too enjoyed the Lord's favour in this wise. She had been pregnant when she was arrested, and was now in her eighth month. As the day of the spectacle drew near she was very distressed that her martyrdom would be postponed because of her pregnancy; for it is against the law for women with child to be executed. Thus she might have to shed her holy, innocent blood afterwards along with others who were common criminals. Her comrades in martyrdom were also saddened; for they were afraid that they would have to leave behind so fine a companion to travel alone on the same road to hope. And so, two days before the contest, they poured forth a prayer to the Lord in one torrent of common grief. And immediately after their prayer the birth pains came upon her. She suffered a good deal in her labour because of the natural difficulty of an eight months' delivery.

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PD-Art:original painting circa 900CE

TVFP: Ask A Twelve Year Old

TVFP, always on the lookout for new channels of wisdom, has been inspired by Porn Star Samantha Ardente, who was reported in the Toronto Star as saying she only went ahead with her plan to start her own Adult film company after receiving the approval of her twelve year old daughter.

Once again we proudly present a the latest installment of an online help desk featuring our twelve year old niece Bibi. By the way Bibi’s grown up a bit since her last post:

 

Dear Bibi: I’m worried about this fiscal cliff everybody is talking about. What should I do? Marnie in Minnesota

Dear Marnie in Minnesota: fiscal cliffs can be dangerous and there should always be warning signs posted. Never stand too close to the edge of a fiscal cliff because the ground may be unstable. If you really must to stand on the edge of a cliff please make sure you are wearing a special fiscal safety harness. Other than that don’t spend more than you earn.

Dear Bibi: recently I heard that the Toronto’s Gardner Expressway is falling down. I know in Boston they buried their expressway with great success, but it cost a lot of money. What should we do? Tony in Toronto.

Dear Tony in Toronto: Well for one thing the Mayor of Hogtown was seen drunk at a Leafs game. He verbally abused a fan and then lied and said he was never there. Don’t hold out for any solutions from this guy. You can buy hard hats at any nearby Health and Safety outlet.

Dear Bibi: I am post menopausal and I’m experiencing a new sense of freedom and enjoyment in my sexuality. My husband would rather watch football. What should I do? Phyllis is Philly.

Dear Phyllis in Philly: Viagra nachos.

Dear Bibi: My daughter’s boyfriend is a cross dresser. He’s a real stunner and has a very heightened sense of fashion. They’re both doing well in school and do not do drugs. I’m just putting together my spring wardrobe. What should I do? Charles, in Calgary.

Dear Charles in Calgary: Take him shopping.

Dear Bibi: I’m afraid there is somebody out there who is going to attack me without my knowledge. Should I buy a gun? Connie in Connecticut.

Dear Connie in Connecticut: The National Rifle Association is an influential organization dedicated to helping  people like yourself keep the streets and hallways of your nation safe for democracy. The NRA believes that there is a place for private ownership of handguns and assault weapons in a civil society. The NRA will tell you yes, definitely, the sooner the better.

 

Dear Bibi: I’ve heard that according to the Mayan calendar the world is coming to an end unless we bring in Right to Work legislation right away. What should I do? Tim in Hudak.

Dear Tim in Hudak: stick your head back up your putrid ass you fucking moron.

 

 

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The Parkdale Liberation Front's Xmas Book List

 

The PLF’s Commissariat for Fine Literature presents its first annual unabashedly biased Book List for the literary minded Christmas shopper:

 

Best Novel Ever Written Since the Beginning of Time

Tieta, by Jorge Amado

Best Novel of all Time

A Star Called Henry, by Roddy Doyle

Best Novella of Greenwich Mean Time

The Testament of Mary, by Colm Toibin

Best Worst Novel Ever Written

For Whom the Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemmingway

Best American Novel

 

The Color Purple, by Alice Walker

Best Novel by a Canadian Never to Win the Nobel Peace Prize

Joshua Then and Now, by Mordecai Richler

Best Canadian Novel

This All Happened, by Michael Winter

Best Novel in English by a non-English Speaking Writer

A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers, by Guo Xiaolu

Best Novel by a Writer Not Named Mordecai Richler

A Complicated Kindness, by Miriam Toews

Best Novel of the 20^th Century Not Entitled Ulysses

The Postman Always Rings Twice, by James M. Cain

Best Short Story of the 20^th Century

Sparks, by Elmore Leonard in the collection, When the Women Came Out to Dance

Best Short Story in the World

A Good Man is Hard to Find, by Flannery O’Connor

Best Short Story in the Universe

Lily Daw and Her Three Sisters, by Eudora Welty in, A Curtain of Green

Best Novel in the World Featuring the Irish Famine

The Law of Dreams, by Peter Behrens

 Best Novel East of the North Pole

The True History of the Kelly Gang, by Peter Carey

Best Novel North of the South Pole

The Famished Road, by Ben Okri

 Best Children’s Novel

Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov

 

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The Parkdale Liberation Front: Retirement Planning for the New Age

If you have just graduated from university and you are looking for a job you’re probably not thinking about retirement. You’ve got a whopping great loan to pay off. You’re looking at an unemployment rate almost three times the national average. Besides a lot of things can happen in forty years, there’s plenty of time. Right on the first one. We’re not so sure about the second one. We do know that it’s not just about the money.

Florida has been a traditional vacation spot and retirement location for Canadians. The highest point of land in Florida is Britton Hill, in Walton County at about 100 m above sea level. Miami is between zero and 12m. Forget Florida.

You could try central Florida or Georgia or the Carolinas, except there’s that analogy of rats off a sinking ship. The population of Dade County FLA is about 2.5 million people. You can’t expect them all to drown.

Two important new elements of retirement planning: the effects of climate change on sea levels and the effects of climate change on human migration patterns. You could also throw in the effects of climate change on world wide food production.

But let’s not worry about that for now. Maybe find a copy of Soylent Green on DVD. It was Edward G. Robinson’s final movie. There an irony there somewhere. For the more literary minded there’s Jonathan Swift’s, a Modest Proposal.

Back to your retirement. We at The Parkdale Liberation Front are thinking: wait a minute what about Parkdale? Well we’re about 75m above sea level so we’re safe there and we’re pretty much right in the middle of the continent. Not bad. Not bad. We put the barricades up in Mississauga, Vaughan and Ajax. Good, good.

What about Charlottetown in Prince Edward Island? Nice climate. Friendly people. Good housing at reasonable prices. Close to Boston. Like Miami it is at sea level. Yikes. The highest point on the island is no more than 50 m above sea level.

Now in the future we can expect more extreme weather events like Hurricane Sandy. As we said forget Florida. What does sea level to 50m give you if you’re about to get bashed over the head by a massively truculent hurricane? New York City is sea level to about 135m.

We told you that to tell you 50m means you don’t want to be retiring next to Anne of Green Gables. She’s already drowned.

While admittedly these numbers are projections the real fear amongst scientists is that climate change is accelerating. What were suggesting at the PLF is pretty basic. Save money and look north but not too near any shoreline. Be grateful the Tories dumped the long gun registry. Start lobbying them for assault rifles. Look to higher ground, maybe stock up on SPAM and buy a trenching tool, maybe one for the significant other.

It’s entirely possible technology will come to your rescue. The PLF’s International Intelligence Bureau has uncovered evidence that the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena California is working on a giant vacuum tube. The idea is to suck all the excess CO₂ out of the atmosphere and point it in the direction of a black hole, a sort of cosmic inverse fart.

There, feel better?

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