TVFP: New Apps for the New Age

 

 

1.              Mondo Cats:  lovingly shot pics of adorable cats, domestic and feral, eating their offspring and killing endangered songbirds.

2.              Extreme Epicure: beautifully rendered shots of master chefs preparing delectable dishes of dog, cat and monkey meat.

3.              Banker’s Delight: this travel app follows disposed families as they pack up their belongings in the Ford Escort and head down the road to East of Eden. Complete with interactive maps and historical anecdotes.

4.              For the worldly aficionado we have German Schiesse Porn, the certified organic version. Now available in HD.

5.              High on America: high definition videos of born again Christian children of both sexes shooting Mediterranean fish in a barrel with twelve gauge shotguns. It’s cute. They wear bibs. No level of difficulty. This one is for the tots in the family.

6.              India for Men: a gaming app that allows you to rape young girls, kill them and then throw them down a well. Eleven levels of difficulty.

7.              The Village of Small Huts: another gaming app that let’s you bet on which Native child will blow up first from sniffing gasoline. You hold the barbecue lighter. Awesome graphics. Four stars.

8.              African Safari Plus: this app lets you manoeuvre a bulldozer. This time sensitive app challenges the user to fill up the mass graves of victims of genocide, internecine wars, starvation and capitalism before the United Nations security force arrives to secure the perimeter and dole out humanitarian aid. Great fun for the whole family.

 

 

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Pope Benedict Resigns: The PLF handicaps potential replacements

 

 

With the sudden and shocking resignation of the latest in a long line of Christian champions of genocide, paedophilia and misogyny the Church has an opportunity to begin the long and tortuous process of the self criticism and healing. The Department of Religious Affairs and Other Weird Stuff of The Parkdale Liberation Front as put together a short list of possible replacements for the old fart:

 

1.              The Littlest Hobo: we readily admit that choosing another German for the papacy is a long shot. However he is a shepherd and every flock needs an alert and courageous protector otherwise you get eaten by the wolves, unless of course you are already running with the wolves and then it’s sort of a culling process, you to the left, you to the right. However the Littlest Hobo has some serious credentials when it comes to saving people and ferreting out evil doers of which we are sure are plentiful in supply within the walls of the Vatican. Still a long shot.

The Littlest Hobo

 

2.              Frodo Baggins: this stout of heart hobbit took on Sauron the Dark Lord in a fight to the death of good vs. evil. Despite having hairy feet this little fella might just have the moxie needed to clean up centuries of papal self entitlement and abuse. Even money.

The Lord of the Rings

 

3.              Marg Delahunty, Princess Warrior: admittedly a woman as pope strains credibility when you consider that the papacy is a woman hating institution that has yet to emerge from the Dark Ages. We admire the Princess’s irreverent sense of humour. We believe that an institution that finds its jollies by burning people alive at the stake might find Marg just the breath of fresh oxygen it needs. Of course we need to be reminded that in the Middle Ages one of their Popes was a woman and when they found out she was tied to a horse’s tail and dragged through the streets and stoned until she was dead. Marg we think is a long, long shot.

This Hour Has 22 Minutes

Pope Joan

 

 

4.              Finally there is everyone’s favourite giant, The Friendly Giant, currently retired. The thing is being a giant he’d have plenty of weight to throw around when it came to reigning in the trolls and neandrathals who currently run the church bureaucracy. As well there are the various cabals within the church who along with the Queen of England are intent on world domination. However The Friendly Giant isn't without allies. Rusty the chicken and Jerome the giraffe would pretty soon put things in order along the sin encrusted walls of the Vatican. A Five to One Favourite of ours.

The Friendly Giant

 

 

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The Parkdale Liberation Front Uncovers Secret Espionage Activity in Parkdale

Sub-Lt. Jeffrey Delisle of the Royal Canadian Navy was sentenced on January 10^th to twenty years in the hoosegow and a fine of $111,000 CDN for passing naval secrets to the Rooskies. The PLF has recently completed its own investigation into secret espionage activity in the Village of Parkdale.

During our investigation the PLF secret investigative team of Assistant Commander Ron and Patti, a waitress at a local Parkdale establishment were able to capture a top secret conversation between a high official in the Chinese Ministry of State Security (MSS) and an important operative of the Russian Intelligence Directorate (GRU).

We are pleased to be able to provide a transcript of this shocking conversation to the Canadian people.

MSS         Victor, nice to see you, huh.

GRU         You too, Lee.

MSS         So you buying Canadian now.

GRU         We shop the world as befitting the importance of our nation’s 

                  international stature.

MSS         You buy from us, huh.

GRU         Only from approved sources.

MSS         I approve all your sources. Give you good deal, huh? It’s okay I see you

                 blushing. You get any good stuff from Sub-Lieutenant?

GRU         Let’s just say that the transactions with the naval officer were most beneficial.

MSS         How much you pay?

GRU         I think we paid fair market value.

MSS         You think so. You buy from me I give you discount. You boss think you

                 awesome.

GRU         Why would I buy Canadian goods from China?

MSS         Listen Victor, inside Oval Office there a little string. President Obama pull

                 little string Prime Minister Harper jump up say, woof, woof. Okay.

GRU         I think it’s fair to say that Washington has a great deal of influence in Ottawa.

MSS         He pull another string Harper roll over play dead.

GRU         Perhaps an exaggeration.

MSS         Okay no exaggeration who own Canada?

GRU         Certainly the US is Canada’s largest trading partner.

MSS         Okay next question, who own the US?

GRU         What’s your point, Lee?

MSS         Everybody know China own US, so US own Canada, next time you in market for

                 information you come to me I give you good deal, top notch stuff.

GRU         Really?

MSS         Is all about Arctic resources Victor. They ours, huh. You wait and see.

GRU         I don’t think so.

MSS         Confucius say: A man only as faithful as his appetites. You want another latte?

 

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TVFP: A Delhi Savant's Homily on a Box

 

 

A Delhi Savant's Homily on a Box

We were reading the news feeds and we thought you would appreciate this little gem plucked from the Letters to the Editor section of a certain Delhi newspaper. This man writes:

Now let us please agree that a box is a receptacle. It may have four sides or it may not; a hat box for instance, may very well be circular. The one property that they share is their availability as a receptacle. Of this there can be no doubt. In fact I mention it here at the risk of being accused of stating the obvious. However it is necessary to lay out our terms of reference before we can proceed, as men of good will and with an interest in understanding the truth.

Now let us say that an empty box is a box in name only. It exists in time and space however its emptiness is like a bird without a song, a poet without a voice, a flower that fails to blossom. In this we can agree, can we not, that an empty box is bereft, a sad thing, its emptiness like the sharp keening of sorrow across an expanse of water.

Thus we must agree that the thing in and of itself is only truly itself when it is put to the use for which it was constructed whether by man or by the gods themselves. And we know that a box can be put to many uses. One might use a velvet lined box to conceal a sparkling gem for the graceful neck of a beloved wife. One might use a plain box to store the treasures of one’s childhood such as cherished photographs or much loved toys.

But supposing one came upon an empty box that is, let us say, in the public domain? Perhaps it is on public transit. This box is empty this much is obvious. How does one respond? Clearly an empty box is, in that diminished state less than itself, it is a mere shade wandering in the twilight, an object pity for some, of scorn for others. Does it not then follow that to fill such an empty box cannot be condemned, but rather applauded, in the light of logic and reason? Is it not at the very least a human kindness?

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An American Talks About Guns

 

I was a boy when old Shep got sick and my Daddy said well son I’ve got to take old Shep out back and shoot him. My Daddy said, I don’t like to see an animal suffer. I said, Daddy, Shep was my dog and I’ll take him out back. I called for Shep. His ears perked up and I know dogs can’t smile but he sure seemed happy to hear his name. Come on Shep let’s go for a walk, I called. Well, old Shep was a little slow getting up but he was wagging his tail.

We went up through the field to a place that I thought he’d like. I had to carry him that last few yards and then I put him down on the hill. It looked out over the fields where there were the gophers and rabbits that he liked to chase. The sun was going down on the stream that he liked to splash around in when we were out on a hike. I thought this would be a good place.

Shep sat and looked out at the vista of his new life across the stream, his river Jordan I guess you could say. I had my single shot twenty-two that had been my Daddy’s and his Daddy’s before him. I said, old Shep you have been a good dog, the best dog and friend I could ever want. I know you won’t mind what I have to do. I put my arms around him and gave him one last hug. I love you, Shep, I said. I loaded up the gun and put the muzzle to his ear. He didn’t suspect a thing. He was whimpering a little with the pain in his haunches and he was panting.

I pulled the trigger and he jumped a little and went over on his side. To my surprise I old Shep didn’t die. His eyes were still open and he was still panting. I just had the one bullet and it was a mile back to the house. But I had brought the shovel and so I reared back and smashed the shovel down on old Shep’s head. I hit him again and then I was sure he was dead.

I always remembered that and so when my son came to me and said, old Shep II was feeling poorly and he won’t get up I said, son well I guess it’s his time. We took old Shep II up to the hill where his forerunners were buried. My son carried his Bushmaster AR-15 assault rifle with a thirty round clip. He set the fire selector and put the muzzle to the dog’s ear. Goodbye old Shep II we loved you deeply. This time there was no need of a shovel except to dig the grave on the hill where to this day our beloved companions lie in  peace.

Celebrating the Birth of Christ

 

The Birth of Christ

The Nag Hammadi Library: excerpt from the Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicitas: Carthage circa 203 CE

As for Felicitas, she too enjoyed the Lord's favour in this wise. She had been pregnant when she was arrested, and was now in her eighth month. As the day of the spectacle drew near she was very distressed that her martyrdom would be postponed because of her pregnancy; for it is against the law for women with child to be executed. Thus she might have to shed her holy, innocent blood afterwards along with others who were common criminals. Her comrades in martyrdom were also saddened; for they were afraid that they would have to leave behind so fine a companion to travel alone on the same road to hope. And so, two days before the contest, they poured forth a prayer to the Lord in one torrent of common grief. And immediately after their prayer the birth pains came upon her. She suffered a good deal in her labour because of the natural difficulty of an eight months' delivery.

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PD-Art:original painting circa 900CE

TVFP: Ask A Twelve Year Old

TVFP, always on the lookout for new channels of wisdom, has been inspired by Porn Star Samantha Ardente, who was reported in the Toronto Star as saying she only went ahead with her plan to start her own Adult film company after receiving the approval of her twelve year old daughter.

Once again we proudly present a the latest installment of an online help desk featuring our twelve year old niece Bibi. By the way Bibi’s grown up a bit since her last post:

 

Dear Bibi: I’m worried about this fiscal cliff everybody is talking about. What should I do? Marnie in Minnesota

Dear Marnie in Minnesota: fiscal cliffs can be dangerous and there should always be warning signs posted. Never stand too close to the edge of a fiscal cliff because the ground may be unstable. If you really must to stand on the edge of a cliff please make sure you are wearing a special fiscal safety harness. Other than that don’t spend more than you earn.

Dear Bibi: recently I heard that the Toronto’s Gardner Expressway is falling down. I know in Boston they buried their expressway with great success, but it cost a lot of money. What should we do? Tony in Toronto.

Dear Tony in Toronto: Well for one thing the Mayor of Hogtown was seen drunk at a Leafs game. He verbally abused a fan and then lied and said he was never there. Don’t hold out for any solutions from this guy. You can buy hard hats at any nearby Health and Safety outlet.

Dear Bibi: I am post menopausal and I’m experiencing a new sense of freedom and enjoyment in my sexuality. My husband would rather watch football. What should I do? Phyllis is Philly.

Dear Phyllis in Philly: Viagra nachos.

Dear Bibi: My daughter’s boyfriend is a cross dresser. He’s a real stunner and has a very heightened sense of fashion. They’re both doing well in school and do not do drugs. I’m just putting together my spring wardrobe. What should I do? Charles, in Calgary.

Dear Charles in Calgary: Take him shopping.

Dear Bibi: I’m afraid there is somebody out there who is going to attack me without my knowledge. Should I buy a gun? Connie in Connecticut.

Dear Connie in Connecticut: The National Rifle Association is an influential organization dedicated to helping  people like yourself keep the streets and hallways of your nation safe for democracy. The NRA believes that there is a place for private ownership of handguns and assault weapons in a civil society. The NRA will tell you yes, definitely, the sooner the better.

 

Dear Bibi: I’ve heard that according to the Mayan calendar the world is coming to an end unless we bring in Right to Work legislation right away. What should I do? Tim in Hudak.

Dear Tim in Hudak: stick your head back up your putrid ass you fucking moron.

 

 

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